Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Sometimes Life Is A Pile of Suck

I don't particularly believe in Karma. I wish it were real, because I feel like I do a lot of good. I'd also be paid back for some really messed up things, but the good far outweighs that stuff - so I'd take it. I think that good and bad things happen to good and bad people. We have very little control over what happens to us. What I've learned, is that what we can control - is our reaction.

I often say that you couldn't get me to repeat my middle school years even if you paid me a million dollars. I was that miserable. I would re-do High School for a million, but I wouldn't be happy about it. College was an improvement to both of these, but still - not a highlight of my life. I remember always thinking positively and being optimistic and praying to God for it to get better.

Well, after about ten years - that optimism gets old.

Things did gradually get "better" but they were still a pile of suck. I still woke up every morning not wanting to leave my bed at all because I was so depressed. I still wondered why I didn't have the kind of die-hard friends that really shitty people around me seemed to have. And WHY can't I lose this freaking weight and be skinny already?! What the hell am I in school for if I have NO IDEA what I want to do? Why don't boys like me? I'm nice, thoughtful, funny, smart...why aren't these traits getting me further in life?

And why isn't God listening to my prayers?

I've often turned my back on praying. I don't believe that God grants you everything you ask for, because if it were that easy - every single person would be a believer. I don't have all of the answers when it comes to God and I'm only speaking to my experience. I would get really angry with Him. I'd think "if I'm supposed to be your child, why won't you help me? why aren't you listening? why can't you fix this?!" So I'd just stop asking for things. If there's no question, then the answer can't be a "no."

I remember those times in my life. I can't even say that they won't happen again when I get really upset about something. What I can say is this: it's the same thing you've been hearing since you were a child. Age gives you perspective. Looking at the situation from this point in time - things look drastically different.

Yes, I was fat for most of my young life


Yes, I struggled with trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up


Now - I've decided to start a career in fitness. I wouldn't have this same interest in fitness if I didn't work so damn hard to lose all of that weight. I'm happier now than I've ever been because I have a dream, a goal and a means to pursue it. And that came about because I went through a lot of suck first.

Things aren't perfect, but I can certainly acknowledge that they're better. I still don't have the friendships I'd always hoped for, but I have met a lot of extraordinary people who I've learned from. The boy situation is a constant issue, but I've absolutely met some really special guys. I'm still in corporate hell and not living my dream YET, but at least I have something to work towards.

I dedicate this blog to all my youngins. My teens and my twenty somethings who don't understand why things suck so bad. I don't understand either. I don't know why it's harder for you than it is for others. Life is not fair, but if you look around you know you're better off than a lot of people. Your attitude is going to play a HUGE role in how your life is. If you can learn to push through adversity, not sweat the small stuff and stay focused and positive when the world is against you - I promise you it gets better. For all the times I got so angry with God, I look back and know that I couldn't be who I am today if I wasn't put through all of the suck. And I like who I am.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Sooner Than Later

If you know me, you know I love Drake. I like his voice, I like that he sings and raps and I'm usually actually interested in his subject matter. Because a lot of it deals with love. I love this song - and it definitely hit close to home for me... that's enough on that. Check it out and subscribe to my YouTube channel!

You don't need no one else ;)
Sweet Charity

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The Chain

We are who we are. There's a lot to learn, but much of who we are is just IN us, it's just the way we were born. I've tried many times to change things about my nature, but I just can't. I will always naturally think of other people before I think of myself - whether they deserve it or not and no matter how much it hurts me. I will always be annoyed by ignorance and selfishness, no matter how much I try to be tolerant. And I will always fight for what I want. Even when I'm tired and I want to stop - I may be able to quit for a while, but eventually, I'll have no choice but to carry on. I don't give up. It's just not me.

When I was a kid, I wanted a cat. My mom knew my dad would never go for it, so when she got tired of saying "no" she finally moved on to "get your dad to agree to it." I believe there was also a clause in there about making honor roll for a year, but I was a straight A student at the time, so that was easy. Turns out, so was convincing Dad. It was as easy as asking. But what if I didn't bother? What if I had just taken "NO" as an answer and cried and given up?

When I was 15, like most girls - I wanted a Sweet 16 Party. My parents just weren't interested in throwing me one. Well I wanted it. Period. I saved my own money from my babysitting job, booked a venue, sent invites, hired a DJ, bought a cake and bought a new outfit. I threw my own Sweet 16.

Sweet 16!!!
When I got to college, for some ridiculous reason I started out as a music major. In case you don't know, they do four times as much work for half the amount of credits. But I wanted to pledge a sorority. A normal credit load was 15 credits of 3 credit classes. I had a load of 18 credits with 1 credit classes and 0.5 credit classes and maybe two 3 credit classes. I also had two jobs. I pledged what is to this day the toughest sorority on campus. My days were BOOKED solid with class, work, and sorority events daily from 6am - to midnight. But I wanted in, and now my sisters are some of my closest friends.

Which finally brings me to the title of my story. I've been working super duper hard lately on what is essentially getting my own business started. If left to my own devices, I will work non stop. I had to start implementing for myself what I like to call "Mandatory Fun Time." Because if I seriously didn't schedule it, I wouldn't do it and I would burn out. So, this past Halloween - I committed myself to going out with friends. I decided I wanted to go as Young Money Rapper, Nicki Minaj. 2 outfits for 2 nights. I picked out my outfits in my head. Then, come the Wednesday before Halloween weekend, I realized "Hmm, I actually have to go PURCHASE these items. Right." I actually found everything I needed relatively easily. Probably the easiest costume I've ever shopped for.

However, there was this small matter of a chain.

Nicki Minaj wears a "Barbie" chain. A very specific, very sparkly, very big chain. I couldn't find any duplicates sold in stores and because I had waited so long for no particular reason, I knew I'd have to get overnight shipping if I ordered it online. But, I wanted it - so I ponied up the extra cash to get overnight shipping and expected my chain would be deliverd that friday afternoon, in time for me to have it and leave for my destination on friday night.

Now, normally - packages are left at my front door when no one is home. So when I got home from work after picking up the last few items for my costume, I expected to open the front door to a little envelope with my lovely chain. NOPE. What was there was a little slip that said something to the effect of "no one was home, we left the package at your local post office open between the hours of 9am and 5:00pm"

They NEVER leave a slip. They've always left the package. What the eff?! It was 5:20 at the time. I threw a world class tantrum. I mean a fit on par with a 3 year old who needs a nap and is fighting it with all of their might, complete with crumpling the little slip and throwing it across the room.

Of course, in the grand scheme of things - this was not that important. It's just a chain. And most people where I was going wouldn't know who Nicki Minaj was with or without Barbie chain. But that wasn't the point.


I wasn't beaten yet. I refuse. I refuse to go down without a fight! I jumped in my car and drove what felt like an hour to the post office, which was probably actually 8 minutes, that should have been 5 minutes without traffic. The front doors that led to the PO boxes were still open. And I tapped on the glass door that led to the actual post office with the biggest puppy dog eyes I could muster. A man came out from behind the counter and came to the door. The tears that were building up in my eyes were not entirely fake, but admittedly - I did play them up a little as I told my sob story. He grudgingly agreed to check if they had the package.

After the longest package search in history, he returned, unlocked the door and let me sign for it and take it with me. I thanked him copiously and finally cracked his exterior of stone and he smiled at me. And I had my chain. And I was Nicki Minaj for Halloween. And all was right with the world.

The Chain
I don't know what someone else would have done in my situation. I was in my car and driving before I even knew what happened. The very least I could do was try. If I went, and the Post Office was closed - I'd have learned a lesson about being more prepared. But if I didn't at least try, I would have always wondered.

What is it that you might be able to do or achieve or get if you'd at least TRY? It doesn't really matter what odds are stacked against you. If you at least just give it a shot, who knows what you can get. Stay determined. If you want it, go after it - no matter what. I wear my chain every day - not only because I love it, but because it's a sign of one of my proudest traits. I don't give up. If I want it, I go for it, I get it.

You know my name is - Nicki Minaj

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

My Reward System

A really good incentive for doing something you don't want to do or something that's just difficult is setting up a reward for yourself. I currently have a reward system in place for when I achieve these milestones: Reaching the next rank advancement of my job, reaching my goal weight and paying off my credit card debt.

The closest on the horizon of these goals is reaching my goal weight, although it's also pretty close to my rank advancement. So the first reward I thought of was - food. Being able to eat something that I've deprived myself of to reach my goal weight. But how silly would that be? "Youv'e reached your goal weight, so go ruin it now with fatty foods! Yay!" That's just crazy. But I think a lot of us are motivated by food rewards. I know when I'm teaching my High Schoolers, I motivate them with pizza and baked goods and candy all the time. That's horrible - but really, if there's anytime you can get away with it - it's when you're a teenager cuz it's all downhill from there.

So I refuse to sabotage my success that way, so I chose another reward. When I reach my goal weight - I am getting a mani/pedi. Simple. I know for some women, this is a weekly visit and not a special occassion. For me - spending money on something so frivoulous and unecessary is just not an option at this point in time. But I think that reaching my goal weight deserves a little splurging. I'll start putting away for it now, since I don't want the credit goal to take a hit due to this reward.

My reward for my rank advancement? My next piercing. That's right. I love piercings and tattoos and crazy colored hair and hate the idea of having to hold back on any of that for stupid corporate America. Seriously - you're saying that inspirational sayings tattooed on my body don't make me as talented or effective a worker? Eff off. A rank advancement in my job will symbolize that I am becoming more successful, and since that job isn't corporate and I don't have to answer to anyone - I will pierce, tattoo and color whatever I damn well please.

And the credit debt. Oh credit debt - started just about the same time my fitness journey did, in college! My biggest hurdle with the biggest payback. Once I'm at goal weight and advance in my job - I'll be able to afford paying off my debt so that I can then afford...getting my boob job! And I can't freeking wait. And if you know me, you know I'm not the kind of person who cares what other people think - so if you've got a problem with it, I'll tell you what - don't get 'em . I'm an adult, it's my body and I will do what I please with it. And just like the people who tell me I don't need to lose more weight - there are those who say I don't need them. But if you've read my blog before - you know that you actually DON'T know what I really look like. I suck in and push out all of my imperfections, so you've never actually seen a picture of how incredibly small and sad my chest really is. And once I get them done, you probably won't be able to tell the difference because they'll look like what you've been seeing in pictures. Except you just might start to see a lot more cleavage pics :)

So what are your rewards? What have you given yourself as an incentive to achieve a goal?

Monday, October 4, 2010

A Case Of The Mondays...

Sorry - but I just NEED to vent!

It happens - every Monday, without fail. I head into work with a positive attitude. I tell myself that I will not allow my surroundings to bring me down. I pep talk myself that it's my attitude that has to be positive, not my environment. Because if I have a positive attitude, that is what will keep me in a good mood - not the outside things that affect me. I spend the entire 40 minute ride listening to positive things and get determined to walk in with a smile. I park the car, take a deep breath and prepare to put all this positivity into action when I walk through the door.

And every Monday I walk in and within 60 seconds, I am pissed off, depressed, angry, upset or annoyed. Without fail. I try, I really do. But I'm just not strong enough to have my attitude battle all of the stupid B.S. I put up with on a daily basis. I can feel my soul slowly dying each second I have to spend at my job. And Mondays are the worst, because I spend the weekend doing what I want. I spend the weekend being smart and productive and working on my passion and doing things that really matter, that can change lives and that make me happy. Then Monday, I come into a pointless, soul-sucking, mind numbing idiot factory that I can't believe is still in business.

My job takes zero brain power. Which for some people may sound great, but I'm too intelligent to be stuck somewhere doing stupid sh*t that doesn't matter that doesn't require intelligence for people who have no intelligence and to be getting paid crap for it. Half the time, I complete a task - and have to stop and look it over just to make sure I did it correctly because I don't even remember going through the steps. I'm so on auto pilot to do work that takes no thought whatsoever - that I literally do things without committing any thought! So then I don't even realize that I did it. It's like breathing - you just do it naturally.

My place of business is very old school. They've literally been around since the 60s and apparently no one informed them that things are done a little differently now. Well why do we have to use e-mail instead? Why are we making this hand - written list in chicken scratch that no one can read online instead?

I'm not joking people. Imagine working in an office full of your grandparents. Not the cool, hip ones that know how to text - the ones that are stuck in a former life and just can not accept the way things are done today. Perfectly nice people - but you always have to show them how to use the internet, their phone, or anything technological at all. Don't get me wrong, I love grandparents. But if you're not willing to learn the modern technologies of business - then you need to retire and stop wasting my time.

And of course, they barely know how to do THEIR jobs but have no problem trying to tell me how to do mine. Please. Trust me I'm about ten steps ahead of you. No, you don't need to tell me when to order supplies. I'm quite capable of seeing when something is running low and ordering more before we run out. I actually know how to do my job - you should concentrate more on yours so I don't have people calling me daily saying they've left you several messages and you haven't returned their call. You've been doing this job for a hundred years. The same exact way. How is it possible that at this point - you still don't know which files are supposed to go in which bins according to what you need me to do for it? It hasn't changed. Ever. How are you still asking me - Where do I put this to get invoiced? SERIOUSLY?! The same effing place you've been putting it for the 20+ years you've worked here you moron!

I know that I'm lucky to have a job at all and I do appreciate that. But I'm not complacent. I'm not someone who thinks that you stay where you are just because you get a paycheck. Not only am I capable of more, but I deserve more and I will get it. I will not be unappy like this every day because life is just too short. And I am way too smart to be somewhere where I'm not learning anything new, am not challenged by my tasks and don't enjoy what I'm doing. I'm working full time here now, but I'm working part time on my fortune. And very soon - that part time work will turn into my full time work and I will never have to waste my time and efforts again. I'm SO looking forward to that day.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

It's Not Always About The Scale

When you're working really hard on your fitness journey, you absolutey CAN NOT measure all of your progress by the scale. First of all - not all of your weight loss shows up on the scale. If you're building muscle and burning fat, the scale does not distinguish between muscle weight and fat weight. It won't tell you "hey, you burned 7 lbs. of fat but you gained 3lbs. of muscle" it will just tell you your 4lbs. down...

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Monday, September 27, 2010

What Muffin Top?

For the 3 people out there who don't know what a "muffin top" is when referring to a woman's body shape - let me quickly explain. The way modern jeans are designed, the waistband doesn't actually fit anywhere near a woman's waist. It actually sits somewhere below her belly button. Now the waist - that would make sense - it's a natural place in our bodies where our shape curves inward - the middle of the hourglass, if you will. But no - jeans are designed to hit in the middle of our belly fat where there is no natural indentation...
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Sunday, September 26, 2010

Remember Your "Why"

For everything we do in life, there is a reason or a "why". Why do I go to work each day? I go because I need a job to make money to pay my bills. Why am I a free fitness coach? I coach because I know how hard the journey to getting fit can be and if there's any small thing I can do to help someone else on their journey, I want to do it. Why do I dress up and put on make-up and perfume? Because it makes me feel good to look and smell good.

Why do I workout every day? Because I didn't like the way being overweight made me feel. I set a goal in my head of how I want my body to look and I will continue to work towards that goal until I've reached it.

The reason that so many people give up on their weight loss or stop trying is because they forget their "why"...

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Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Ready, Set, Perfect!

It seems to me that a lot of people seem to be afraid of getting fit. They feel like since they don't know all the particulars, all the best rules and regimens - there's no point in even getting started. Sometimes, it's legitimate but sometimes - let's face it, it's just an excuse...
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Friday, September 10, 2010

It's Tough Love, Baby

One of the hardest parts of losing weight for a lot of people is keeping the weight off. I feel like this is even harder for people who A)Lose a lot of weight very quickly or B)Lose the weight through surgical means...
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Wednesday, September 8, 2010

I Want What You Got

A post not really about eyelashes. I promise.

I like doing my eye-makeup. I'm not sure when or how this fascination began. I think it was when my friend had a job working for MAC cosmetics and I would go visit her and be envious of all the eye make-up of everyone working there. I'm pretty sure that's where the obsession started. I like all the variations of color you can do. On any given day I may have up to ten colors on my eyelids at once. I've never been a huge fan of my eyelashes though. I've always wanted them to be longer and fuller. I actually have eyelash envy of women with natural full lashes.

I feel like most of us have that one (or two, or three) things about us that we envy other people for having. Eyelashes are among several other things I'm jealous of. Some other examples would be : a fast metabolism, a rich benefactor... but I digress. When one of my friends got married last year, I was a bridesmaid and all of the bridesmaids had their make-up done by professionals. They added faux corner lashes to all of our eyes. When she went to add my corner lashes, she commented "oh - you're lashes are already long." And I said "Really?!" Here, a make-up proffessional, who puts fake lashes on people every day - just told me my stubby, unimpressive lashes were long. What? I though she was maybe just trying to be nice. (Because it's totally normal for people who are trying to be nice to comment on eyelashes. Duh.) A couple other people have mentioned something to me about my lashes since then. Granted - I wear about 5 kinds of different mascaras to get my lashes to look long and thick - but they still aren't what I want them to be.

I think it's easy to look at others and see what we DON'T have. It's not wrong to want something better or want something more or want something different. However, I do think we need to appreciate what we have more. Granted, I could still use some Jennifer Love Hewitt style lash extensions but I have learned to appreciate that my lashes are pretty long depending on who I'm comparing them to. And there are people who have medical conditions where they can't grow lashes at all, so I really do appreciate that at least other people think I have long lashes. I still haven't quite reached my body goals yet. And when other people look at me like I'm crazy for wanting to lose more weight, I look at them like they're crazy for not seeing my fat. But I can appreciate that depending on the perspective it's coming from - my body size is someone else's body goal.

Just something I've been thinking about lately. You may want what someone else has, but what you have may be exactly what someone else wants.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Monday, August 30, 2010


(from my fitness blog SweetCMe)

Something occurred to me during today's workout. I took a break from regimented workouts over the summer which means I haven't seriously lifted weights since, hmmm... March? Lifting weights is ESSENTIAL to weight loss.....
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Friday, August 20, 2010

When Does It End?

I'm a fighter by nature. No matter what, I will always work as hard as I can to fix any given situation in my life. I don't always fight right away, but eventually - I realize that the only solution is for me to try. Life isn't fair and we all get a raw deal sometimes, but that's no excuse to give up. Karma isn't real and doing good won't bring good to you - there's a lot of shitty people out there who seem to be doing pretty well for themselves, but again - that's life. I don't subscribe to the idea that "putting it out there into the universe" and positive thinking will bring you anything. I've tried it - and it's just not for me. Not to say that I think it's a horrible idea - it actually makes a lot of sense. Being positive about something and thinking positively about the outcome is gonna be a lot more helpful than nay-saying what you're doing all along the way. But ultimately - it comes down to me, myself and what I physically do to make something happen.

I'm at a very frustrating point in my life. I guess, at 29 - I am technically an adult. Though I feel no more like one than I did on my 18th birthday. The way I envisioned my life at 29 is very different than the reality I'm living. And it seems as though all of my friends around me have what I assumed I would have, but don't. And it's not as though I don't work for it. I've had a minimum of two jobs since I was 19 and had at least one job for 4 years before that. I don't know what it's like to get a paycheck from one job and have that be enough. I've been on a steady quest for weight loss for over ten years. I don't backslide and gain back weight I've lost, I just never seem to be able to reach my goal size. I'm single - have been for years, and likely will be for quite some time. That doesn't really bug me as much as other things, but it does make me ponder... My car hates me. Truly, truly just hates me and wants to make me as miserable as is humanly possible and is completely succeeding.

The fighter in me knows that there's no choice but to keep trying and to try harder. I mean, the alternative is to give up and what will that get you? But I also wonder when it stops. When do I get to have one salary and have that actually be enough to live on? When will men (who are my age and straight) realize how fabulous I am? When will my body stop fighting me and just reach my goals already? When will my car stop needing repairs? (I know the answer to that one - probably when it dies completely or gets totalled in a wreck.) I've been told that hard work pays off - and I'm just waiting for that to be true for me.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

I Can Be Alone

But there are some things I miss.

I've never been one of those people who NEEDED to have a boyfriend. I'm a fairly independent person as it is. I don't call someone up to go with me to the mall or to they gym. I know I can get more done on my own. And yeah, sometimes it's nice to be half of a couple - but if it's not happening, I'm not super depressed or lonely. And I'd definitely rather be alone than settle.

But for some reason, the past couple of days - I've been really missing some things. I miss texting someone for the entire day while you're at work. And the work day flying by when it's usually like hell-on-earth, because it feels like you're spending the day with the person you're texting.

I miss having someone to talk to on the ride home from my second job. I'm not really a phone person, but for some reason - that ride home at night always seems to be one of the longest and sometimes it's nice having someone to talk to. Someone who makes me laugh. I remember what it felt like to be really excited to call that person. I also remember that the first few times after I didn't have that person to talk to - it felt like there was a void - a hole where something used to be. It doesn't feel like that anymore, it just feels like nothing now. Which is actually much better than a void. Pretty sure Bella Swan would co-sign on that.

Most of all - I miss making out! It's definitely one of my all time favorite pass times. When you find someone who can kiss you the way you liked to be kissed - it can definitely become an addiction. Kissing a lousy kisser is just a huge waste of time.

That's about it. That's all I'm really missin' right now. Still like sleeping in the middle of the bed. (Does that ever really get old?) Definitely like having my free time actually be free - and not having to check in with someone to make plans based on what they're doing. Absolutely don't miss dealing with someone else's bullshit. Definitely like getting to choose whatever I want on TV. And love not having to learn somebody's habits and quirks or explain why I feel the way I feel because why is this not common sense to you?

As one of my fav. songs goes - "I can be alone, yeah. I can watch a sunset on my own."

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Never Think (Cover) - Rob Pattinson

I actually learned the chords for this song the day of - and my piano playing is sub par. I'm not really a piano player, I just wish I was :P But it's fun to play and sing!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Food Prep and This Week's Menu

I try to prepare most of my food for the week at the beginning of the week. Here's what my meals look like this week. For the most part, it's the same every day with minor variations for schedule changes.

First Thing: 1 scoop protein, 1 cup blueberries, 10oz water

Breakfast: 2 eggs, 2 whites scrambled with onion, pepper, spinach, mushroom and low fat mozzerella cheese, 4 veggie sausage links

Snack: Boca burger with 1/4 avocado, 1 slice tomato, mustard, lettuce, 2 slices of turkey bacon

Lunch: 3 cups lettuce, 1 cup cucumber, 1 cup strawberries, 3oz. chicken, 2 slices turkey bacon, 1 hard boiled egg, fresh squeezed lemon

Snack: 4 oz. ground turkey breast, 2 cups stir fry vegetables

Snack: Chocolate Shakeology, 10 oz. water

Post Workout: 1 scoop Results & Recovery Formula, 10 oz. water

Dinner: salmon, 1 cup broccoli, 1/8 cup low fat feta

Water all day long

To prep for this, I go food shopping on the weekend and
- cook all the meats: chicken, turkey, bacon - enough for the week
- cut up the produce and store in separate tupperware - cucumber, berries, mushroom, onion, asparagus

The night before
- prepare all meals in tupperware so I can just grab and go

The only thing I cook daily is the scrambled eggs and then dinner since I'm actually home by that time. Tupperware is my BFF.

Comment with questions :)

Sweet Charity


Monday, May 10, 2010

If it doesn't make me money, make me happy or make me skinny - I'm not doing it.

So I'm not over this weekend yet. Not by a long shot. I am constantly just completely baffled at how the people in my life can treat me with such disregard. It really makes me stop and think - maybe I'm just not as good a friend as I thought. I mean if it looks like a duck, and walks like a duck.... If everyone treats me like shit, I must deserve it, right? I mean I would not be getting collectively ignored and disregarded if I were a good person. The fault must lie with me, right? Because if not,

I don't get it.

I keep re-evaluating my behavior. I live by the golden rule: you treat others the way you wanna be treated. That rule is my guiding light. I'm there for people when they ask for my help, I'm thoughtful and considerate and I'm always honest.

I'm always honest...

That last one has gotten me into trouble quite a bit. People don't seem to like to hear the truth all the time. Like when you let them know they're doing something wrong AND they know you're right. That's what really seems to upset people. I don't like lying - I don't see the point. Cowards lie. The only reason to tell a lie is because you want to hide something you're ashamed of. Cowards hide. When people ask for my opinion, I give them the disclaimer: Don't ask me unless you want me to tell you because you KNOW I will tell you the truth. And that's why they're asking me - because they know out of everyone, I will not only give an honest answer, but it will be the correct answer. But once they hear it, they suddenly wanna shoot the messenger.

This is not me being conceited. It's not as if I'm all knowing. I've just lived - and messed up a whole lot. So it makes it easier for me to see when other people are repeating my mistakes and if you're my friend, I don't want you to go through the bad stuff I've been through. So if giving you tough love will stop you from repeating my mistakes - that's what I'm doing. I only speak to situations I know - I won't give advice on something I have no idea about. Every single friend that I've told a truth they didn't want to hear - has come back AFTER they ignored my advice and said "you were right." Every.single.time.

I think that most people are, by nature - selfish. The first instinct is to think "how will this benefit me?" Every once in a while, like at Christmas or Mother's Day - they can think of someone else. But even then, most people still think of themselves first. If you have the choice between spending $100 on someone else to get a super awesome gift OR spending $50 on a less awesome gift and $50 on yourself, which would you choose? I mean, they'll never know of the more awesome gift you could've gotten anyway. I think...no I KNOW that 99.9% of the people I know would go with the 50/50 option because it benefits them.

That's where we differ. I'll pick the first option every time. Because it makes me happier to know that I got this person this super awesome gift that makes them happy. That's my nature. I don't say this because I think I'm better than anyone, I'm just explaining who I am. If I tell you I'll do something, I do it. Period. Because my word means something, to me at least. If I'm not sure I can do it - I won't tell you I will. I can't tell you how many parties and events I've gone to - not because I wanted to, but because my friend wanted me there. And some people will say "well if you don't wanna do it, don't do it." Sounds easy enough. But by the golden rule - if I would want that person to be there for me, then I'm gonna be there for them. Simple as that. What I want is secondary.

I understand that not everyone can be this way, which is fine. But when I - the person who has been there for you for every thing you've asked of her, asks you for ONE DAY out of the entire year to put her first - for just a couple hours...I don't know, I kind of expect that to be something you could handle. The bottom line is this:I asked for one thing for one day and only ONE person was able to follow through on it. Everyone else made the selfish choice and decided that even though this is the only thing I ask of them all year, they were still more important than me even on that one night.

So I guess I need to learn to be selfish. It's really the only solution I can think of. If it doesn't make me money, make me happy or make me skinny - I'm not doing it. Is that how it works? Is that what looking out for number one is like? To me, that sounds miserable. That sounds like a horrible way to live your life. But it seems to work pretty well for everyone else, so I guess I'll give it a shot.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Just Another Day...

I have a facebook page. While a lot of the changes that Facebook has made serve to annoy me to no end, I do think they got some things right. Reminding you of upcoming events - is like making your social calendar for you. I think it's great that they let you know when people's birthdays are. Some people just suck at remembering important events like that.

I'm not one of those people. If we're good friends, I know when your birthday is. I don't need Facebook to tell me. I expect the same. I'm only talking about the people who you're close with, who you would supposedly do anything for. Really - how about remembering their birthday?

When it comes to other people, I stress what a big deal a birthday is. So many people die young of several causes, that it is a celebration when any of us makes it another year on this planet. It's one day out of the whole year where people should go out of their way to be nice to you at the very least. Every once in a while, I'll put a "happy birthday" post on someone's wall. For the most part, I just text them. However, my birthday won't be showing up in your news feed. Why? Because I despise fakeness. It makes my skin crawl. Granted - not every person that would say something to me would be being fake. Some people just genuinely want to help make your day, and I can appreciate that. But I hate having a wall full of comments from people who never speak to me, never comment anything I post, and who I honestly forgot existed. It's annoying and I don't need it. I'll take the few, genuine, heartfelt comments from people who know me enough to know when my bday is.

I used to treat my birthday like a big deal too. That is, until I realized I was the ONLY one who thought it was a big deal. I'm an excellent party planner - and I planned great, elaborate parties designed to accomodate every single person invited. Yet every year - I was disappointed by people who didn't show and seemingly didn't care. So I decided that if it wasn't a big deal to anyone else, I should stop trying to force it to be one. I figured that by narrowing the pool of people I choose to celebrate with, it would also narrow the possibility of being disappointed by people. I did this - knowing full well that I should've known better. But I took a chance, as I often do.

I can't say that I'm going to give up on celebrating my birthday. There are definitely a few people who are faithfully always there for me, no matter what. I recognize that and I appreciate it - and I don't forget it when they need something from me. But I think the way to go is celebrating in small ways just for myself. Because it's a serious blow to your self esteem when you think you're a great friend, you're always at every one else's party and yet when it's your turn - nobody cares. I did spend a shit ton of money this week on make-up and clothes for my mini celebration ~ perhaps that is the tradition I will keep going.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

My Thoughts On The Scale

I am quickly realizing that diet and weight loss can make you crazy. I know this about myself, but apparently it is universally true. At least I don't feel so alone. My paranoia is not mine alone. Now that I recognize that I have the problem, I am able to work on it. I am happy to say that I am no longer a slave to my scale. Yes, I still use it and I still weigh in - but I do not freak out when it doesn't do what I want.

I have read soooo many posts by people whose focus is entirely on the scale. So much so, that they miss the ENTIRE point of what they're doing, which was to drop some pant sizes. Unfortunately, the scale is the most widely accepted unit of measurement for weight loss. And I suppose that has something to do with the fact that what we refer to as wanting to get in better shape is "weight loss" as opposed to saying that we want to "get fit" or "get in shape." The truth of the matter is - getting fit does not always equal losing weight. At a certain point, getting fit could equal gaining weight. It depends on what you're doing, how you're doing it and what your ultimate goal is.

It is absolutely bonkers to me that some people are losing inches, feeling better, looking better and their clothes are starting to fall of of them - yet ALL they care about are the numbers on the scale. Do you know how crazy that sounds?! So, let me get this straight - your body is getting smaller, your clothes are getting too big, your muscles are getting defined, but you're upset because if someone tried to physically pick you up right now - you wouldn't be as "light" as you wanted to be?


What if the scale didn't exist? What if it wasn't the most widely recognized unit of measurement for weight loss progress? What if the tape measure was the only progress indicator you had aside from what you could see in the mirror and feel in your clothes? How important would your physical mass be then? I understand that we all want to be smaller in numbers on the scale, but seriously? You can't ignore all the other signs of your progress and bank it ALL on three numbers that have less to do with your progress and more to do with whether or not you're bloated that day.

If you are trying to get fit, having a scale is kind of like having chocolate around. If you can handle having chocolate around you without feeling the need to consume it all the time - then you're ok. If you do consume it a little more than you should, but you're ok with dealing with those consequences - then fine. But if having chocolate around you means you'll devour it and then feel completely horrible afterwards, then DON'T have chocolate around you!
Same with your scale.
If you can keep your scale, but use it only as one of many indicators of your progress - ok. If you use it out of curiosity but don't freak out every time you look at it - great. If you're so consumed with the number it gives you that you truly don't recognize losing inches as more quantifiable progress than losing pounds - it's time for you to put the scale away. Or be put in a crazy house.

Sweet Charity

Friday, April 23, 2010

Trust Me - It Ain't Worth It

So far, I have done three programs and gotten a few supplements from BeachBody.com. I ordered all of my workout programs, Slim in 6, P90X and Insanity directly from the website. I paid full price for them, got my deliveries within a week of ordering with everything that I needed for each workout. My DVDs are all functional and have given me no trouble. Were some of the things I got a little pricey? Yes. Absolutely. But to me - it's worth it. Losing weight is a big priority for me, so I'm willing to make investments where needed. I literally had to save up money from a couple of paychecks to get some stuff - but I haven't been disappointed. I like getting the full fitness and nutrition guide books and also having the support of Beach Body.

I can totally understand and appreciate that there are some people out there who are not willing to make the same kind of investment. Some of the programs may be a little more than you can/are willing to invest in at this time. Now, my intent is not to offend ANYONE. But as per usual, if you take offense to what I say - then you're taking that on yourself, and you probably wouldn't be offended if I wasn't right - so that's really your issue. But just let me explain what could happen if you decide to go twenty bucks cheaper and get the programs somewhere else.

If you find it cheaper than the Beach Body website, it's illegal. Period. Amazon is licensed to sell Beach Body products, but it's more expensive there AND does not carry the Beach Body guarantees. DVD skipping? Take it up with Amazon. 90 day money back guarantee? Amazon doesn't offer that. Bought it from an Amazon e-store or e-bay? You're screwed - neither Amazon nor Beach Body can help you.

I'm not sure who else is a licensed retailer, but rest assured if it's cheaper - it's not licensed. Yes, they are very good copies. They look just like the real thing. If they can duplicate an iphone that's not really an iphone, I'm sure that DVDs and books are not really a big challenge. And perhaps the pirated copy you receive will work fine, I can't really say. I'm just saying that I have heard TONS of complaints from people who received a faulty product that they could not return or get help with because they decided to risk problems buying an illegal copy. Now which one of us wasted their money? Honestly, I'll pay the extra bucks just to know that A)my DVDs won't skip or be missing B)if they do, they'll be replaced and C)my products will stand the test of time and I can re-use them.

I just find it baffling how many people say they care about their fitness and really wanna lose weight, but "oh, I can't afford that". Really? Cuz I certainly saw you afford that last cheesesteak and fries you ate and that night out at the bar. If you stopped spending so much money on being un-healthy, you'd have plenty left over to get fit. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I work too hard to sugar coat it for you. If you wanna get fit, you'll do it. If you don't, you'll make excuses.

Sweet Charity

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Maybe It's All In My Head

So I've been wondering if all of my weight loss progress is all in my head. Maybe I wasn't that big to begin with? Maybe I haven't lost as much weight as I thought? Do I have body dysmorphia? Because I can still see where there's a lot of work to be done, yet other people keep telling me I'm small. I look at pictures and I can definitely see progress, but I still see what I need to work on. Is all the progress I'm seeing in my head too?

My friend was telling me a story about being at a ball game and seeing a girl there with her muffin top on full display. She was wearing jeans that were too tight, and a cropped shirt, literally putting her muffin top on display. The thought of this horrified me. I have never, ever been one to let my stomach show when it shouldn't. Even when you have a shirt that's a little short and your belly pokes out a little bit - that drives me crazy if you're not fit enough to get away with it. My jeans are (were) always strategically placed so as to avoid any muffin toppage. And since I was young - I've sucked my stomach in when in public. Always. It's to the point that I don't even realize I'm doing it. When I try to take true measurements, I have to make an effort to be sure I'm NOT sucking in. Anytime there is fabric touching my stomach, my reflex is to suck my stomach in. I figure that's why I'm so good at doing ab exercises - my life is one big ab-crunch.

So it occurred to me, maybe it's not that I have a lack of progress - it's that I've hidden what my true body looks like for so long - people can't tell the difference! Now - I don't have to strategically place my jeans because my muffin top is no where near as noticeable. I can just let my waistband sit where it may. But you wouldn't know that unless you're me. I hid the muffin top before so you didn't know it was there. Now I'm not hiding, cuz it's not there - but how would you know the difference? It's the same way that people keep telling me I don't need breast implants. That's because what you see daily as a full B cup is really an elaborate set up of me double-padded-bra-ing under every outfit I wear. It would be nice to not have to put on a show in that arena anymore too.

I think because so much of my life is focused on weight loss, it seems strange to me that other people don't seem to notice. But most of these people - I see every day. They may not necessarily notice because they see me day-to-day as opposed to seeing just my start and end results. I think people also get a set picture of you in their head and then believe that that is how you SHOULD look (unless you're morbidly obese). I have people telling me all the time that if I get any smaller, I wouldn't look right. That sounds completely ridiculous to me! It's not like I'm at Lindsay Lohan or Nicole Ritchie status. Being too thin because you don't eat is not the same as being so fit that you have a low body fat percentage. Personally - I think I'd look kick-ass at a size 2, though that is not my goal. I don't care what size I am so long as the body fat issue is under control. I could go on and on about this particular subject, and I will...in another blog.

I think the point is that change is gradual. And for those who see it as it's happening, they tend to forget where you started and only remember what they've seen recently. Unless it's someone whose close to you - like family. They tend to remember only where you started and compare you to that constantly. So, to them you may be "too thin" simply because they're used to you being so fat. I'm glad I know what my goal is. I know what I'm doing, what I'm doing it for and what I want the end result to be. I notice my progress and I appreciate the changes and really - that's all that matters.

Sweet Charity

Monday, April 12, 2010


So I'm having a tough morning. Mostly because I'm crawling out of my skin. It has a lot to do with the fact that I took a full dose of hydroxycut this morning since I was up at 5am - I figured it would help me wake up. Well it did, but now it's also making me overly agitated. As if I need that at my already agitating job. At least I know why I feel this way so it's easier to manage it. No more full dosage for me, I'm still not ready for it.

The weekend is always too short. I have a phenomenal time, usually am super productive and then the work week comes back all too soon. It's funny that it's called the work week since I'm pretty sure I get more done in a two day weekend than I do all week at work. This past Sunday, I awoke early - cleaned my room, did my workout, and then got a surprise lunch invite from an old friend. By the time I had gotten through the morning, got ready to go out and met up for lunch - I realized that I hadn't eaten yet that day. I got up at 8 and met for lunch at 1 and hadn't managed a meal yet - and didn't even notice. I was so busy running around all morning that I just hadn't had time to eat.

Most days, my life revolves around meal time. Since I do nothing for a large portion of the day at work, my planned meals are kind of my focus because at least it's something to do. Sunday made me realize how much I hate this. I miss being extremely busy. I miss having a job that I LOVE where I'm running around doing something every second of the day. I find I'm so much more productive when I'm busy. This job is making me lazy. It's to the point that when there is work to do, I don't feel like doing it - because I'm already doing nothing. It's bad. Real bad. I don't want to be busy doing stuff I don't care about either. I'm starting to feel like there isn't a job that I can get that I will love. It's a really depressing thought, but it's honestly starting to feel that way. I don't know what it is I want to do. Well - I do know what I WANT to do, but a summer job that lasts for six weeks doesn't qualify as a career. And I don't have the credentials to make it into a career. And the idea of going back to school and accruing more loan debt is just unacceptable. I know student loan debt doesn't bother some people, but debt of any kind bothers me. It seriously makes me depressed to be in debt of any kind, and I'm working so hard to get out of it. I simply refuse to add to existing debt with more schooling.

What happened to the days of learning on the job? I don't get why so many jobs insist that having a degree would make you more qualified for the position. That's such B.S. There are so many jobs that I could do standing on my head after two weeks of training, but because I don't have a piece of paper that says "I spent the past 4 years in classrooms with teachers who don't even speak English learning how to do this job from a book, but not actually DOING anything" I somehow don't qualify for the job.

It just makes me feel so lost. Trapped. Like there's nothing I can do to make more money without spending more money. I'm sorry but 5 years of extra schooling should be enough. We shouldn't all be required to get Master's or Doctorate degrees. I know plenty of people with Master's who are still idiots, they just happen to have spent a lot of time in school.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Wig Haul

Bought some new wigs :)

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Step Outside Your Little Box

I think it's easy for us to get so stuck in something, that we are very relectant to change. Even when we complain that we don't like the way things are going, we don't always want to switch things up because "what if it starts working?" I recently had a friend help me change my resume since I've been getting very little if any response to what I've been sending out. For the most part, it was more format changing than content. I liked the new look and everything, I was just kind of being lazy to use it. I already had my old one saved to my computer and in my e-mail. It was just "easier" to continue to send that one out. But I finally sucked it up and made the necessary changes to start using the new one. To my surprise, I actually heard back from a job I applied to. Was it the new resume layout? Who's to say? The point is - I wanted a change, I asked for and accepted help and gave the change a try.

I find a lot of people are in the same boat. They don't like the way things are going, they ask for help and feedback and suggestions - and then don't make any changes. Because they're scared, lazy, or want to wait until what they're doing works. How stupid is that? I can't tell you how many people I know have had diet/exercise questions ~ I have given them advice of things that have worked for me ~ and they respond with "well this is what I'm doing so I'm going to stick with that for a while." I'm thinking "hello? Did you not just say that wasn't working? Why would you continue to do what you know isn't working?!" But in the end, I can't change things for you. If you want to continue on doing something you yourself said wasn't doing it for you, that's up to you.

The thing is, most adjustments aren't permanent. Why don't you just try one of the suggestions you've been given and if after a week .... two weeks it doesn't work, then don't do it anymore. What have you got to lose? If you've already conceded that what you are doing isn't working, what will it hurt to try something else? It's certainly a better idea than continuing to complain and ask for advice that you will never take.

sweet charity

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

It's Possible?

The weather has been gorgeous this week! I was excited to go for a "run" (by run I mean jog, but saying go for a run sounds better) outside yesterday. I'm not sure if it's sad that the highlights of my day yesterday were
A) Taking a nap when I got home
B) Exercising in yoga pants that fit and didn't slide off my ass as I ran
C) My delicious salmon dinner. I'm seriously addicted to salmon right now.
That does sound pretty pathetic as highlights go...but ah well. I'm boring. Sorry.

As I was "running" I was really focusing on not taking breaks. One of the things I'm working on is my endurance, so I try to run for as long as I can without stopping. I did have to stop a couple times and kind of bounce around in place for 30 seconds or so, but then I'd just pick back up and keep going. I noticed that my recovery time - the amount of time I need to bounce in place before I run again - has drastically decreased. Even when I was revovering, I still felt pretty good. I wasn't panting and dying, I just needed a little repreive. I used to need two minutes, at the least to get my heart rate back down and catch my breath. Yesterday I noticed that as soon as I stopped, my heart rate would start to slow down, and that's good.

So while I was running in my size small Victoria's Secret yoga pants, I was really happy that they were staying put. My mediums had been sliding down while I tried to workout, thus the purchase of the smalls. I was also kind of amazed that I was wearing a small and running continuously. It's really strange for a former fat person once they lose the weight. Some people who are trying to lose weight are trying to get back down to where they once were - before they gained weight. I however, have always been a chubster. So as I lose I keep getting to the smallest I've ever been, and it's strange. I still don't think I look like I should be wearing a small. I tend to think that if I do fit into one, the sizing of that company must run big. But the realization got me thinking about my ultimate goal.

I know in my head where I want my body to be. I know how much weight I want to lose and what I want my body to look like. Even when people tell me I look great, while I appreciate it - they're comparing me to what I used to be where as I compare me to where I'm trying to get. I'm not gonna lie, while I work really hard to attain that goal - it does seem a little impossible sometimes. I've NEVER had a flat stomach. I can't even imagine what it would feel like to not have to suck in my gut. And I started to think - you can actually do this. You can ACTUALLY get that body. Holy crap - you're gonna have a flat stomach!

It's kind of strange to think about it. Even though it's what I always wanted, actually picturing myself with that body FOR REAL seems a little...odd. More than that, it seems possible.

And I know there are people out there who say "my body wasn't made to looke like _____" or "it's in my genetics, I'll never be ________" and that's crap. It's just pure crap. Does my body have a certain shape that probably won't change? Yeah, most likely. I'm sure my thighs will always be one pant size larger than my waist. Because even when I burn the fat there, I still have pretty sizeable muscles in my legs. It's even hard to fit skinny jeans around my calves. Does that mean that my thighs will stay the size they are now while the rest of me shrinks? No - that's ridiculous. There are certain things that are beyond our control, but losing weight is NOT one of them. It's possible people. There's so much possible out there for those of us willing to work to get it without making excuses.

What's your possible?

sweet charity

Monday, March 29, 2010

Weddings and Babies

It seems that when you reach a certain age, all of your friends and perhaps yourself, are getting married and having babies. If you're not doing one of these things, you're being asked when you plan to do one of these things. As if they are the end-all be-all of life. Which leaves me asking the question - are those my only options? Is that all there is?

I don't want kids. I don't have a problem with them per se, I just don't have a strong desire to have any of my own. When I say this to people, the general reaction is like "You don't want kids...ever?" That is often followed up by "Well, do you wanna get married?" And I'm not sure that I do. However, I don't like the connotation that if I do get married - babies are inevitably a part of the equation. It's as if they're saying "good luck finding a husband if you don't want kids."

If marriage and babies are for you, then that's great. I'm happy for you. I have zero problem with either one. I just don't know that they are for me. As far as marriage goes - I feel like a lot of people get married simply because they don't want to be alone. Well, I don't have a problem with being alone. Sure, it can get lonely at times, but I'd rather be alone than be with someone just so I have someone. The prospect of spending every single day with someone for the rest of my life seems pretty daunting. I mean, there's a lot of times I like being by myself. I like only having to spend MY money on ME. I like making decisions without needing to consult someone else because it inolves them too. I like how easy it is to do my taxes. Most of all, I like not being required to put up with someone else's bullshit.

As far as babies go, well I've never been much impressed with them. While everyone else is "oohing" and "aahing" and commenting on how cute they are, I'm hoping the parents will figure out a way to make that baby shut the hell up and stop screaming. And newborns...really...none of them are cute. Not a one. I don't care what you say, no human covered in blood and secretions who is purple, wrinkly, slimy and crying is cute. Aside from that, you're telling me that there is WORSE pain than being on my period? It gets multiple times worse? Why would I want to put myself through that voluntarily? I already have no choice with the monthly pain, why would I want that pain multiplied to ANY degree?

I can barely afford to pay for me to live, I can't fathom the amount of money a child costs. It's seriously mind blowing. And then you have to hope and pray that nothing crazy happens to them in their lifetime. Somthing like getting snatched from the playground, or abused, or shot in a classroom - any of the insane things that happen to children nowadays.

I don't know, it might be weird but I've never been one of those girls who dreamed of living in a house with a white picket fence, being married to a doctor and having 2.4 children. Of course I've dreamed of a wedding - but that's because it involves me wearing a pretty dress, being the center of attention and planning an epic party. But trust, I'll figure out a way to do that without a groom.

I'm quite aware that my opinions may change. Perhaps one day, I'll meet someone who makes me all googly-eyed and forget all rationality and promise the rest of my days to him and have 4 of his children. I'm sure it's a possibility. But as for the moment, I'm really ok with the idea of living in a house by myself with two dogs.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Baby Steps

Although there are only a handful of things that I'm working on improving in my life, the work it takes to improve all of these things can sometimes be overwhelming. I try to keep reminding myself that I don't have to accomplish anything overnight. When I try to focus on the steps that will get me to where I need to be instead of always taking in the big picture, it helps.

I have some debt to pay off. Paying down debt amidst living expenses and "luxury" money is tough. Typically my "luxury" money is used for groceries and gas. But I do believe you have to invest in things that are important as well as "splurging" here and there. My investments include work out clothes that fit (since the old ones are too big, yay!), my next work out program - INSANITY, and my meal replacement SHAKEOLOGY. I know to some people - these seem like frivolous things to spend money on, but these are all contributing to me working on goals that I've set. It just so happens that most of my goals require financial investment.

Of course losing weight is a huge goal of mine. As I mentioned above, I'm investing in it financially as well as physically. I know where I want my body to be and how I want it to look. It does feel like it's taking longer than it should, but I have to focus on my day to day efforts. I have to focus on the fact that I did pull ups for the first time last week. And on the fact that I ran for 50 minutes straight. I have to focus on the fact that I'm still losing inches, even if it's only one or two at a time.

My hair has grown. I wouldn't consider it long, and it's definitely not as thick as when I was younger. But it has grown. As evidenced by the fact that the back used to be bleached from the root, and now it's all my natural color.

Job hunting is daunting, especially in this economy. Applying for job after job and hearing NOTHING in return can really wear on your self esteem. It makes you wonder, start asking questions - is my resume horrible? Am I unqualified for everything? But you have to keep trying - or stay at the job you're miserable at.

I've started going to church again. I was mainly trying to find a place where I felt like it actually related to my modern life. The group is really nice and inviting and not judgemental at all. However, I sometimes just feel "not as holy" if that makes sense. When the pastor talks about living your life for God, that seems like a pretty tall order. Aren't THOSE Christians really boring? Wouldn't my life be really boring? I do believe in God and I am a Christian, but sometimes the rules that go along with that seem pretty difficult to follow.

Luckily, I am currently employed. So I don't NEED a new job this second. I want one, but for the time being I'm not desperate. I'm making more than the minimum payment on my debt. I want it all to go away right now. I would love to be debt free. But my credit score is good and I'm making gains toward getting things paid off. Does my hair grow slower than everyone else's? Sure feels like it. But I do have hair, and it is growing albeit slower than I'd like. I'm putting effort into all of the areas of my life that I want to change. I'm not just sitting back and wishing for a difference. I am taking the necessary steps that will eventually lead me to reach my goals. Baby steps, though they may be, are still moving me forward.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

"I Don't Wanna Get Too Bulky"

I just gotta get this off my chest - because it makes me crazy. I hear SO many women say they don't want to lift weights or do P90X because they don't want to get too bulky. Honestly, how many fit and in shape women do you know PERSONALLY that you would describe as bulky? Ok, how many have you seen - outside of fitness magazines and competitions?

I personally know 2 women who compete professionally, and they are the closest thing I've seen to "bulky". Ladies, you're not going to pick up a weight and all of the sudden turn into a professional male wrestler. It doesn't work that way. Our bodies were not made to get large like that. There is so much work and effort and supplements that you would have to purposely invest to manipulate your muscles to a point that could be described as "bulky". It's not gonna happen by accident. It's certainly not gonna happen by you picking up a 15lb. dumbbell.

Excuse #2 - I don't really need to build muscle, I just want to lose weight

Guess what? Muscle burns fat. Yup, you heard me. So when you're sitting at your desk at work, doing nothing - your muscles are burning fat. The more muscle you have, the more efficiently that fat is burned. That's why lots of women who are slim also have very toned muscles. Those muscles helped them get slim. And how do you get toned muscles? You need to lift weights. Or - use your own body weight as resistance.

Take it from someone who knows.


Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Personal Best!

I did not feel like working out tonight. I felt tired and stressed and bloated and I really just wanted to curl up in bed and watch TV. So I hemmed and hawed and procrastinated, but I finally got my butt out the door and to the gym.

I've been working on improving my cardio-vascular endurance. It's one of my weaker points and I'm especially trying to prep to start Insanity. There's a couple ways to work on your endurance - the method I'm going with is just trying to jog/run for long periods of time without breaks. I remember the first time I managed a 15 minute jog without stopping. At the time, it was the longest I'd gone actally jogging and not stopping and it was AWESOME. More recently, I've been able to get up to 25 and 30 minutes of continuous jogging with no breaks. Improvement is happening.

So tonight, I figured I'd just do a half hour on the treadmill and then a half on the elliptical. The elliptical is way easier and I don't count it towards endurance because it's too easy to vary speed. I do ten minutes of walking on an incline as a warm-up, then bring the incline down to 2.0 and jog at around 5.0 speed, increasing by 0.1 every 5 minutes. The last 5 minutes I go up by 0.2 every minute so I end with a "kick". Knowing I was doing less than my usual 45 minutes - I started the jog at 5.3. By the time I hit 29 minutes and 5.6 speed, I felt really good. I decided to keep going and upped the time to 45 minutes. Well, at 44 minutes and 5.9 speed, I thought "How awesome would it be if I could make it to 60?" So that's what I did. At 45 minutes, I upped the speed to 6.0, at 50 minutes to 6.1, at 55 minutes to 6.2 and knowing that I've done a kick of at least 7.0 before - at 55 minutes I started upping the speed in increments of 0.1 every 30 seconds. In the 59th minute, I upped it every 20 seconds.

I didn't stop or slow down once in the entire hour! I started running at a 5.3 and ended the run at 7.2! This is a new personal best for me. The fastest and longest I've EVER run. And that includes doing the mile run in high school. I'm kind of in shock and disbelief. Like, I don't know if I could do that again. I don't know how I did it in the first place! I'm hoping I can be consistent, and of course get better. So maybe I'll make it past day one of Insanity.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

I'm Sorry, But That's A Size What?

I refuse to buy anything in a size large. It's a matter of principal. I was a large for so long, that now I just don't want anything that says "large". But I fully expect to be a medium in most things - unless it's a line of clothing that runs big. There are very few things that I purposely wear loose, it's just not my style. However - in some of the teeny bopper stores that I still shop in (hey, someone thought I was 22 this weekend - so why not) I understand that the clothes are made for a younger demographic and tend to run a little smaller.

So, needless to say I went shopping this weekend. A very dangerous field for me since I have little self control. I wanted to find some sweatshirts to wear to and from the gym. I have some now - but they're like sweatshirts I actually like to wear for fashion and I don't want them forever smelling like sweat, as will happen with any gym clothes. I managed to resist buying any new jeans at Lucky Brand, which believe me - is not easy. I was able to remind myself that I don't want/need any more jeans at my current size. I really have plenty that fit me now, I want some that will fit new me. Size 4 me. Well, Lucky Brand size 4 anyway - which is basically a real size 6.

But I digress.

To get to the point, I bought a couple sweatshirts and a shirt-dress. Shirts = size XS. Shirt-dress - size small. My gut reaction when I fit clothing that small is to think - it must run big. I can't be an actual small or x-small in clothes designed for teenagers. No one with hips, thighs and a butt this large could truly be a small. But, here it is....

It makes me wonder how other people see me. I suppose I could have a case of body dysmorphia. I look in the mirror and only see what needs fixing, as opposed to what looks good. I'm still a little disbelieving. A couple size smalls does not a small girl make. But it could make a small girl in the making.

Friday, March 12, 2010

No Muffins For Me, Thx

So I noticed something today, or should I say I've been noticing something lately. Though I am still disappointed with my reflection and the scale - I must admit I have passed a milestone. One of my major issues is that my thighs are industry-standard one size larger in proportion to my waist. This means, in order to find pants that fit me - they have to fit my thighs and not so much my waist, making them one size too large for my waist. The only realy way to fix this is belts. Wearing the belt tight enough to keep the pants up creates the dreaded muffin top. Unlike some women, who are completely oblivious to this ridiculous orb of fat that sits on top of their jeans - I am ever concious of my muffin top. I can feel it sitting on top of my pants especially when I'm wearing a belt. I can usually strategically have my pants sitting in just such a way, that the muffin top situation is avoided. However, when I sit down for long periods of time (which is all the time at my stupid sit down do nothing job) the strategic placement of my pants shifts. So every time I stand up, I have to re-adjust to hide the muffin top.

My office is covered in mirrors at every corner - so there's no forgetting to cover the muffin top. This week - I have not had to adjust my pants at all. Today, I'm wearing one of the most epic examples of pants that fit my thighs and not my waist. (Side note - American Eagle pants fit me HORRIBLY! I should stop buying them. Lucky Brand Jeans come the closest to a real fit - particularly the Lolas. Anywhoo......) I kind of had to double check a couple times so far this morning. I just can't believe that I don't have to re-adjust to hide my muffin top! Don't get me wrong, it's still there. I absolutely still have a spare tire of flab that NEEDS to go, but since it's smaller it's not noticeable under my sweater. That's the advantage to cooler weather.

So, while I'm still not where I want to be - I will fully acknowledge this as a milestone in my journey. Or a pit-stop, on the way to banishing the muffin top for good.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

"Magic Pills"

Some people have asked me about taking weight loss supplements and here's my take. Firstly, I want to make the distinction between weight loss supplements and diet pills. As someone who's tried both, this is my opinion.

Diet pills are crap. Diet pills are those things that say you take two of them a day and don't diet or exercise ever and you'll lose weight. They say they make you feel fuller or expand in you stomach or some crazy crap like that. These kinds of things work for 2% of the population and those are the people that will basically starve themselves with or without the pills - so it's not the pills making them lose weight, it's them deciding not to eat. I would never take a diet pill that "made me feel fuller" because I know the key to long lasting weight loss isn't simply eating less. It's eating the right amount of the right things.

Weight loss supplements are those classified as ones that help you lose weight by boosting metabolism - so you burn more and increasing energy - so you can do more. Two popular supplements are Hydroxycut and Xenadrine. I have taken both of these in different generations of their conception. I'm pretty sure the kind I used to take have since been re-called, but hey - I'm still here. Do I think these pills help you lose weight? For me personally - no. I do not. What these pills have done for me is boosted my energy level enabling me to have killer workouts. I have never been someone who was drastically affected by sugar. Aside from too much of it hurting my teeth, it doesn't make me hyper or keep me awake. But nothing else in my body works the same as it does for everyone else, so I'm not surprised. I'm not really sure of caffeine's affect on me because I don't drink coffee or dark sodas. However, taking hydroxycut before a workout definitely gives me a huge boost of energy. Their new formula has done away with all the harmful, sketchy stuff that got it pulled from shelves.

Now - I'm not saying these supplements are for everyone. Some people can feel very jittery and on edge with these pills. I used to feel that way when I would first start taking them, but now I avoid that by starting with one pill at a time and working my way up. They can also make you feel nauseous or give you the runs. The latter is not a problem for me and I only feel sick if I take them without working out - which is why I ONLY take them before a workout. I pretty much have to work out once I've taken them because I have all this energy which will build up in my stomach if I don't get it out on a treadmill.

So am I saying you should take these? No, I said it's not for everyone. Am I saying that I've lost 20 pounds in 10 weeks using Hydroxycut? Absolutely not. It doesn't work that way for most people. What I am saying is that I use it as one of the many tools in my fitness journey. I drink protein to help maintain my muscles, I take a multi-vitamin to aid in overall health, and I use hydroxycut to help me have energy to do a really awesome workout. I don't like to use them for too long a period of time. A)I don't want to become dependent and B)I think they stop working after a certain period of time. Then I'll stop taking them, forget they exist and re-discover them a couple years later when I need them.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Things Are Clearing Up...

The weather has been getting warmer, the sun is rising earlier and setting later and the skies are clearer. Thank God spring is on its way. I think we all could use the mood lifter. The sun being up earlier makes it much easier to get up early for my workouts in the morning. The sun setting later makes it seem like I'm getting much more done with my day. And I think my skin is clearing up with the weather too!

Well - I'm actually not sure if it's due to the weather or due to the GNC Hair, Skin and Nails vitamins I'm taking. I do remember that my skin looks much clearer in the summertime, but is also more oily. I've yet to find a regimen that I feel works really well for my skin. I guess that ship has sailed for a winter regimen, time to work on a summertime one. I was considering trying Bare Minerals - but it looks like that can hold off until the fall. Thank God, because all of my money is being diverted into fitness issues at the moment: groceries, new workout clothes (the old ones are gettin' big -yay), another workout program and supplements.

When I finish this round of P90X, I'll be starting Insanity. I know it's gonna be incredibly difficult but I'm ready for something crazy so long as it works. My weight loss progress is slow, but changes are happening. Little by little, I'm gettin' there. My skin seems to be getting better - I'm gonna give the GNC pills one more bottle to see how they're working. My hair - eh - it's still thinner than I'd like and I'm not seeing crazy amounts of growth. But I think it's grown back out to where it was before I chopped it (2 years ago! Never Again!)Now, I just need it to grow longer and grow in thicker. Money? Mmm, still don't have enough of that - but I am managing to pay off my debt on a schedule and still have enough for the things I need/want. Or at least I have the ability to save up for those things. Still working on finding the new job - that's probably the toughest thing of all right now.

All in all, I'm ready for spring and whatever new challenges it may bring.

Monday, March 8, 2010

"Into each life...

some rain must fall. Some days must be dark and dreary."
The Rainy Day, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

This was the quote I had printed with my Senior Portrait in my yearbook 11 years ago. It still holds true and still means to me now what it meant then. Obviously, not much in my life has changed. I remember someone commenting on how depressing the quote was and remember being surprised by them feeling that way. Depressing? That wasn't how I meant it at all. It's a fact of life. If calling it to your attention is depressing, you must live a very happy, blessed and trouble-free life. Some days must be dark and dreary. Not every single day of your life will be perfect. Sometimes, bad things happen that make you sad. Fact. If anything, I found it to be a hopeful statement. If you take the quote in the context of the poem it was written in, it's making a universal statement. The line that precedes this famous quote is "Thy fate is the common fate of all." Basically saying that - you know what, you're having a bad day. Everybody has bad days sometimes and it's o.k.

I'm having one of those days today. Everything seems to have been going to crap for me since I woke up - late, this morning. I keep trying to stay positive and move on, but with every positive thought comes another negative thing happening in my day. I'm just not strong enough to shoulder all of the outside forces affecting my reality. It's too much.

What I really want to do is eat a big bowl of ice cream and chocolate and peanut butter and lay in bed and cry and watch movies. And add popcorn while you're at it. In reality, would one day of binging on sweets completely kill my diet? Well, speaking long term - no. Would eating and watching movies do anything to help my mood? MMM, it might - but then again it might not. Would it fix any of the problems that are causing my terrible day? No. But will sticking to my diet and working out fix any of those problems either? No. It's kind of a draw there.

I'm having a horrible day. And I really want to make myself feel better with dairy and chocolate and salt. But I have the presence of mind to know that those things ultimately won't make me feel better. Or will only do so temporarily. And that though unconnected to my current state of mind and my current issues, sticking to my diet and working out today will be better for me in the long run. I'll be happy at the end of the week that I stayed the course, even if I may not feel like it today.

I certainly hope tomorrow is a better day for me.

Friday, March 5, 2010

I Challenge Myself

So, I am starting Phase 3 of P90X. This phase is 5 weeks long. So far - on this round of the X, I have lost 6 pounds. But really, most of that has come from the change in my eating habits. So for this last phase, I am really trying to "bring it" in the kitchen as well as in the workouts. I'm still kind of trial and erroring with how many calories I should have a day, but we'll see what happens.

Here, for your viewing pleasure and for my accountability is what my meal plan will consist of for the next five weeks. This is my own personal food challenge, but I invite ANYONE to join me if they'd like :) The calorie intake can be anywhere from 1500 to 1700, depending on the number of workouts that day and on how I feel. When my body tells me I'm truly hungry, I listen to it.

My P90X Phase 3 Diet
All food must be from the top two tiers of Michi's ladder
No dairy
No salt
I get one cheat day per week to eat what I want (I wouldn't make it without this)

Pre-Morning Resistance Workout: Banana with almond butter

Post-Morning Workout: Whey protein, blueberries & flaxseed oil
(OR Shakeology if I order it anytime soon)

Breakfast: Scrambled egg whites with spinach, corn, onion and pepper ~ either on tomato, mustard and veggie chicken pattty
on tomato, avocado and whole grain flatbread

Snack: rye crisps with hummus
veggies and hummus
brown rice cakes and peanut butter

Lunch: stir fry veggies, brown rice, black beans, protein (chicken, tuna, salmon)
protein (chicken, tuna, salmon) broccoli or green beans, sweet potato

Snack: brown rice cakes with peanut butter
carrots with peanut butter or hummus

Dinner: salad greens, green pepper, hard boiled egg whites, olives and protein(chicken, tuna, salmon) with fat-free, sugar-free, everything free dressing

Post-Evening Workout: Casein protein with almond milk and strawberries

Quick-Grab Options: whole wheat bagel, oatmeal, veggie burger, peanuts, apple

Well, there it is folks. My food layout for the next 5 weeks. As my coach says, if you fail to plan - you plan to fail. Let me know if you have any questions/suggestions.


Wednesday, March 3, 2010

You Need A Mantra

Recently, I've been waking up at 5am to fit my second workout into the day. I am NOT a morning person. Not in the slightest. In fact, DO NOT attempt to conversate with me before I've had breakfast or before 9am, whichever happens first. You would think that after 29 years, my mother of all people would have realized this about me. And yet, she repeatedly attempts to start conversations with me at 8 am and then wonders why I'm so pissy. I remind her of this constantly, and yet...no change. I hope it's not Alzheimer's.

Anywho, I do not enjoy waking up early - but I do it. I'm not the hugest fan of not being able to eat what I want, whenever I want and instead counting calories and tracking carbs - but I do it. I don't neccessarily want to work out every day, twice a day - but I do it. Is it because I'm crazy? Perhaps. But more because I know what I want and I know what it will take to get there and I'm willing to work for it. It's worth it to me.

What's it worth to you?

I have several phrases, sayings, "mantras" if you will, that come to mind during my fitness struggles. Some of them may seem corny to you as other people's seem to me. That's ok. Get your own. What phrase is really gonna hit home for you and cause you to work harder? "What's it worth to you?" Is one of my favorites. Is it worth me waking up at 5am and working out twice a day if it will eventually get me in a size 4? - YES. Is it worth forgoing that piece of chocolate that I will literally remove my left arm for if I can drop an extra pound? - YES. This is what it's worth for ME. It does not have to apply to you, but when it comes to the amount of dedication you're willing to put in, ask yourself - What is achieving my goal worth to me?

You don't have to like it, you just have to do it.

It's a misconception that I love working out. Sometimes, I do. Sometimes, I really enjoy being on the treadmill or kickboxing. Sometimes - I hate it. Sometimes, I want to rip Tony Horton's head of his muscley body and frequently, I'd like to punch Debbie Sieber's in her rock hard gut. You can bitch and moan and whine as much as you want to. You just have to do the work. You don't have to be happy about it all of the time, but you have to do it regardless. Think about it as when you were young and your parents made you clean your room. Whether you agreed with them or not - it had to happen. Then once it's done, you get your allowance and everyone is happy. Only instead of an allowance, you get an awesome body - WIN!

"You gots to work and deserve it, earn it to own it."

That one's from G. Love and Special Sauce. That's for when I sing to myself. It's pretty self-explanitory.

"Change is a process."

This one is from my BeachBody coach and I love it. You are not going to go from a size 10 to a size 2 in a month. Not healthily and not permanently anyway. It takes time. You're also not gonna go from a sedentary lifestyle to the workout and diet queen/king in a week. Just do a litle at a time and always do your best.

If you put in the work, change will come

So many people kid themselves as to the effort they're making. They'll say things like "But I worked out and stuck to my diet this week and saw NO results! I mean, I missed ONE workout and I cheated on my diet here and there, but STILL $%#$^" I hate to break it to you - but to a certain degree - that skipped workout and those litte cheats count! They don't count to a degree that little slip-ups will kill your results. But if you're on a steady regimen that your body is used to, every litte thing counts. You probably still made progress - just not as much as you would have if you hadn't cheated. And one little slip up is not gonna stop your progress. If you are constantly working, refining and putting in the effort - it's not possible that you'll see no results. But you have to be honest with yourself and you have to put in the work.

I hope this helps. I hope that finding a mantra will do as much for you as it does for me. Often, I'm the own voice inside my head guilt-tripping myself to do better, to do more, to try harder, to work harder and to push farther. After all,

No one else is gonna do it for you.

Monday, March 1, 2010

The Chain (Ingrid Michaelson cover)

I like to sing :)

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Balancing Act

So my blog focuses on a few things - the things that are most pertinent to my life at this moment. They also happen to be the things that I'm trying to juggle.

Thing 1 - My job. I'm not happy where I'm working now. While most people go to college with an idea of what they want to do when they grow up, I was never sure. I majored in music because it was the only thing I was really interested in. But hobbies don't always make for good jobs. What I would love to do is work at the Children's Theatre Company I've been with since my senior year in high school. But because I live in the real world - I need to work somewhere that can provide me with funds to pay my bills. Sadly, they can not. So I'm currently stuck in "Office Space" type hell. I'm way overqualified and underpaid. Happy to be working in this economy, but completely unhappy doing what I'm doing.
Thing 1) b) Money. Please refer to the "underpaid" clause in this paragraph.

Thing 2 - My hair. I know this doesn't seem like a big deal for most people. But I chopped my hair into a bob a couple years ago. For some black women, like myself - getting hair to grow long is no easy task. I regret cutting it because it has taken two years of effort to get it to reach it's original length - which is only down to my shoulders. And it is effort getting it to grow.

Thing 3 - Weight Loss. I have been trying to lose weight since I was a teenager. As of now, I've lost 55 pounds since I first started. Though I'm happy to have had made the progress I've made, I still work very hard at it every day.

Working on all three of these things at once is not easy. You need money to do basically anything, and I don't have a lot of that. You need time to devote to all of these areas, and there's only so much of that. Throw in the rest of life going on around me and these tasks can sometimes be pretty daunting. It's 8:30 on a Sunday night and I am exhausted. I still need to prep my meals for this week - because when it comes to weight loss, if you fail to plan = you plan to fail. I didn't get a chance to apply for any new jobs today because I spent time taking a Power Point tutorial so I can add it to my resume. While I did manage to finish 5 loads of laundry this weekend, clean my room and collect all the clothes I'm getting rid of for spring cleaning - I did not get to wash my hair. Which is pretty integral to helping it grow. I got one workout in today, though I would have preferred two.

And I know that tomorrow I have to go into work and make it through another day without losing my mind. But all I've ever known how to do is go after what I want. You have to keep trying, because no one else is going to do it for you. If you don't work for it - you won't get it. It might take longer than you'd prefer, but from what I've heard...good things come to those who wait.

Thursday, February 18, 2010


Here's the thing about women with real breasts who comment on other women getting breast implants: it's not like YOU had any hand in your own breast size. I don't get it when women brag "well my breast are all natural, I don't need fake ones." Well yeah, but what's the problem with someone else getting fake ones if she DOES need them? I mean, it's not as if you have big boobs because you worked your ass off for them. You didn't earn them. That's just the body God gave you. There's no problem with you being proud of what you have, but what gives you the right to put someone else down for not having it? It's not like if I work really hard I can make my boobs grow. There's nothing I can do on my own to increase my breast size. If I want that to happen, it's gotta be through surgery.

Firstly - if you're happy and confident in yourself, you shouldn't feel the need to speak negatively of others. What do I care what surgery you have on your breasts or your butt or your face? It's your body and you should feel comfortable with it. It doesn't really matter if I think you look good now or would look better with some work. I'm not the person who has to wake up in your skin every day.

Secondly - if you already have big boobs, then you haven't the slightest idea what it feels like to not have them. Period. Even if you were once flat-chested, and now have massive breasts - you don't know what it feels like to still be a grown woman and not have much going on in the chesticle region. So you can't really say what you would do in the situation because you're not in the situation.

Third - Guys don't know what the eff they're talking about. They say they want a girl who is "all natural." What they're really saying is they want someone with naturally big boobs. Well, again - I can't really do anything about that. My boobs aren't naturally big, so what now? It's kind of like how they say they want a woman who doesn't wear make-up when what they actually want is a woman who doesn't LOOK like she's wearing make-up.

If I had the funds, I would love to get a boob job. I'm working with a very small barely B cup and I am a thick girl. I just don't think I look proportionate at all. If I do get the opportunity to get a breast augmentation, it will be for me. It will be to make myself feel better about myself. I don't need anyone else's opinion or approval. It is MY body that I have to live with. I work my butt off for everything that I have in life. I work to pay bills, I work out and diet to get the body I want, I save up for things I want but can't yet afford. I work. If there were some sort of crazy exercise I could do to make my boobs grow, I'd do it. But I can't. I just find it obnoxious to brag about something that you didn't actually put any effort into whatsoever. "I just think people who wear brown contacs when their eyes aren't really brown are so fake! My eyes are NATURALLY BROWN baby, no contacs there. I don't need to put contacs in my eyes to make them brown." It's just ridiculous.