Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Maybe They Just Don't Like Me

As expected, my exploration of the online dating world was short lived - as is every attempt I make to put actual effort into finding someone. Dating is a pain in the ass. And much like getting a tattoo or birthing a child, after a certain amount of time goes by you forget just how much pain is involved until you do it again. At least with a tattoo or a child, you have something cool to show for it when all is said and done. Not so much the case with dating.

So although I did not seek this last pairing out, that doesn't take away the sting of it ending. I met a guy at the gym. We dated for a while. I thought things were pretty much on track for a long term relationship, but he disagreed. So now we're done. No big drama. He wanted to be "just friends" and I was not so much interested in that option. I didn't even know females got friend-zoned, but if it was going to happen to anyone - it would be me. And it's not like I'm crying in a corner, eating ice cream and listening to Adele lamenting about my life being over. (ooh, ice cream...) It's not that deep. But aren't I allowed to be bummed out that what seemed like a good prospect didn't work out? I think some people don't see it as a big deal because you just move on to the next one, right? But I literally only find people I'm remotely interested in who reciprocate those feelings (at least initially) about once every two years - IF that. Finding someone isn't as easy for some of us. Maybe we're pickier or just not as lucky.

And I appreciate that all of my friends say all of the standard things friends say that are supposed to make you feel better. "He's an idiot", "Some men just can't handle a smart, powerful woman", "Maybe he was intimidated by your confidence", "You're a great girl and any guy would be lucky to have you". These are all very sweet things to say and I appreciate that people think it's what I want to hear. But c'mon. Am I the only realist left out there? This is not the first time that this very thing has happened to me. And I came to the realization a long time ago that the one and only common factor in all of these situations is, well - me. So maybe the REAL root of the issue has nothing to do with me being smart or confident and nothing to do with him being an idiot or a coward. Maybe, he just doesn't like me. Plain and simple. And there's not really much I can do about that. I mean, I am who I am and I'm certainly not changing for anyone. So maybe nobody likes who I am.

I think I'm luckier than most because although I wouldn't choose being alone over being in love, I CAN be alone. I do know that it's not the end of the world and that I don't need another human being to be attached to in order to survive. Too many people mistake this for me not being open to finding someone or not truly committing to giving people a chance. That's just not true. I'm completely open to the idea of meeting someone. What I am not open to is wasting endless amounts of time and/or money looking for him or settling for something that's not right just because it looks good on paper. I also don't need to find someone who wants to promise to stand by me forever, because let's face it - forever can be a long ass time. And I'm not sure that I truly want to spend every day of the rest of my life with the same person. So since I'm not positive that I want marriage or kids, that means I shouldn't bother trying to find someone to be my boyfriend for a few years? Are those really my only options? Because, if so - I'll just tattoo "SINGLE 4EVA" on my ass right now and be done with it.

Song lyrics by: Kate Nash, Song: Merry Happy
Getting dumped at any stage in the game is a tough pill to swallow. Because no matter what, it means that someone you still like doesn't like you back. It hurt in 1st grade and it hurts now. And you can't promise me that one day I'll find someone, because there are plenty of people who grew old alone who didn't want to. Finding a good guy is not guaranteed to you because you're a good girl. Don't we all know douchebags and bitches with the most wonderful mates on the planet that leave you asking "wtf?!" At the end of the day, I'll get over it. And then I'll forget how much it hurt. And then I'll be foolish enough to do it again one day and go through the whole same rigamaroll. And perhaps one day I will learn, and just opt to stay single and not date because it will end up being a colossal waste of time. But I am human, so I doubt it.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Dating Series. Installment 2: Is This Thing On?

Is This an Interrogation?
I'm all for getting to know someone by asking questions, but what's with the machine gun interrogation? You should not send me multiple messages before I've had the chance to answer the first one. Your messages should also not read like a job application. And they absolutely should not have anything whatsoever to do with sex. At all.  Not appropriate at this juncture. You don't even know my last name, why in the hell are you asking me sex questions? If I haven't replied to your last 3 messages and it's been a few weeks, it's safe to say I'm not interested. And if I've already told you politely that I'm not interested, it's safe to say that I'm not interested.

Nice Guys Finish Last - My Ass!
This phrase is stupid. Ok, maybe the phrase itself is fine - but most of the guys that use it are stupid. Nice guys do not finish last. There are lots of girls who want the nice guy. But that "nice guy" is not nice to those girls. That "nice guy" is chasing the girls who pose a challenge. They don't want you if you're not hard to get. That "nice guy" is a huge effing douchebag to the nice girls. Then he tries to lay out all of his best stuff for the stuck up bitches and wonders why he always gets hurt. It's the girls you're choosing. Yes, it is your fault. Nice guys don't finish last - you're just not as nice as you think you are.

Be Up Front
Look, if you're looking for sex - be honest about it. If you just want to message pretty girls, be honest about it. If you have no intention of having a relationship, be honest about it. I don't really care what it is you're out to do - just BE HONEST ABOUT IT! There are only two reasons people lie - cowardice and kindness. Lying in this situation is straight up punking out bullshit. Who feels the need to lie to complete strangers? What is that?  Especially if I call you out and you continue to lie? C'mon son, now you just look foolish. Real foolish.

Don't Be Lazy
Let's not forget, that although the scope of dating has changed - not EVERYTHING is different. Women still need to be wooed and pursued. You need to come after me. There's a difference between someone who will send a message or two and then try to get you to his house and someone who will message you for a while - with actual conversation, respectfully ask for your phone number and then ask you out on a date. A DATE. This is where the two of you are seen together in a public place. That does not mean your apartment. Or your bedroom in your parents' house.

Is This Thing On?
Nothing makes it more obvious that you're either not serious or you're just an idiot than not paying attention. If you ask a question that is blatantly answered in my online profile or that I've messaged you before, I'm annoyed. I don't expect you to remember every little thing about me. But the thing is, it's WRITTEN DOWN. You have a total cheat sheet. You can pretend that you remember things about me really easily. I do it all the time. Before answering a message, if you're not sure about something - you go to your saved messages and check on whatever question it was you had. Voila! If you're too lazy to even do that, I'm gonna go ahead and assume that you're really not that into me. Peace out.

Bottom Line
There are lots of douchebags and creepers online - just like real life. There are also nice guys, though they are much more difficult to spot behind the liars. Just like real life. Online dating is a huge pain in the ass and reinforces why I hate people. Just like dating in real life. Bottom line, for some of us - finding someone who's worthy of being let into your life takes effort. A whole lot of it. Just.Like.Real.Life.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Dating Series, Numero Uno: I Hate Dating

I've been single for, oh, forever. No - really. I've only ever had one official  "boyfriend." I've had relationships other than that, but only one that ever had the title. Sometimes it bothers me and sometimes I don't really give a shit. There are so many aspects of being in a couple that I'm just not interested in. But there are also a few things that seem pretty cool. My biggest problem is that I'm not willing to play the dating game. The rules of "waiting 3 days" to call someone or what you can and can't say on a first "date." I don't even like the word "date." If you ask me if you can take me on a date, something inside me shuts down and sends a signal to my brain to RUN! You'll get much further if you use the term "hang out." Even if it means the same thing, my brain won't have the instinct to flee. Usually.

The entire concept of dating is just weird to me. The idea of sitting at a table and eating with someone who is all but a stranger, discussing bullshit and letting him pay for it just seems extremely weird to me. And my hobbies are extremely weird. What I do for fun in my free time is produce children's plays and do hip hop choreography in my friend's basement. No, I don't want to go to a Phillies game - I could care less about them. Or the Eagles. Or the Flyers. Or any sports of any kind for that matter. I don't want to play. I don't want to watch. I will go bowling if forced. And I'll pretend I don't hate it because I'm trying to be nice. But really, I hate it. Meet up for coffee? That's really not much different than going out to dinner. It's just cheaper. It just seems so forced to find something to do to find out if we have enough in common to find something else to do together.

What's more? I'm not looking to get married. I'm not saying I never will, just that I'm not shopping for a husband. And I don't want children. Ever. Yes, I'm sure. Why not? Because I don't. It's not a requirement that just because I have the parts, I'm forced to use them. Why don't you want to shave your head and tattoo tribal print on it? Oh, because you have free will to make your own decisions? Yeah, so do I.

So in general, I just opt NOT to date. How do I meet people? Usually through mutual friends or just knowing someone from work or from a place I frequent. Sometimes I do actually meet people in random places and "hang out" with them for a while. Still, the thought of it is just annoying. But - for the sake of modern times and at least telling people I gave it a genuine shot - I decided to do it like the normals and give this internet dating thing a try. I've sort of done it before, but it was so long ago that I forgot what a pain in the ass it is. Unfortunately. I'm not dedicated enough to devote any money to this venture, so I opted for the free site - Plenty of Fish, or POF for short. You'll also hear me refer to it as Plenty of fucktards, my personal nickname for it.

I'd say it's been about 6 weeks or so and I'm already fed up. Bottom line: there are just as many douchebags online as there are in real life. And definitely more creepers. And they are all attracted to ME. How about the people that message you and want to go out, but as soon as you actually agree - you never hear from them again? Better yet, the ones who you actually have interaction with for a period of time who SUDDENLY stop communicating with you. Out of the blue. No explanation provided. Then we have the people who you've DEFINITELY dated before contacting you as though they don't know you. And my favorite, the misguided gentlemen who actually think that I WANT a picture of your privates. Really? Oh, I've got stories - don't you worry. But they will have to wait for other blogs. Thus, the dating series is born.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

On Being a Size 4 and Buying Pretty Things

One of the motivational tools I use for my weight loss efforts is buying jeans that are a tad bit too small for me to fit into just yet. I hang them in my closet facing me as a daily reminder of where I'm trying to get. I've been wearing my last pair of "inspiration jeans" for most of the year and they are now starting to get big. That's pretty exciting for me and I decided it was time to get me some more inspiration.

Most jeans are a tough fit for me. My thighs are proportionately bigger than my waist - so finding a pair that will fit past my larger thighs but still fit my waist is usually a challenge. I buy most of my jeans from Lucky Brand because they usually have what I like and I'm too lazy to experiment with a ton of other brands. Since I was wearing a size 6 that was slightly large, I figured a size 4 in the same style would be just small enough to feed my inspiration. I tried the size 4 on and much to my surprise and amazement - they actually fit.

Size 4 - Lucky Brand

I was kind of taken back, this was not what I was expecting. I was even a little worried. Where do I go from here? If I fit a 4, am I supposed to buy a 2 for inspiration? No. That seems kind of weird. Picturing myself as a size 2 just seems ... scary for some reason. It's not that I'm unhappy with my current size. I actually think a 4 is pretty damn good and never really aspired to be smaller than that. But I am still working on my body fat percentage. My muffin top has shrunk, but is not gone completely.

Ultimately, I walked out of the store with nothing. I've decided not to buy any more jeans until I've reached my goal body. That might still be a size 4 - just shaped differently. And I guess it could also be a 2.

However - I did not leave the mall empty handed, it is sale season after all. For some reason - I just LOVE having shiny little shopping bags. I remember being younger and having neither the money nor the body to get the things that I wanted. Then once I got the money, it was just a dream that I would someday be able to fit in the clothes that looked so stunning in the store windows. It's taken over ten years to get here - but now I get to bring home shiny shopping bags with clothes that fit me that I can (somewhat) afford. And it feels really good to have accomplished some goals.

Shiny shopping bags!
Got this workout zip-up  from Bebe,
but in black
Got this from Arden B. - love their sales!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Sometimes Life Is A Pile of Suck

I don't particularly believe in Karma. I wish it were real, because I feel like I do a lot of good. I'd also be paid back for some really messed up things, but the good far outweighs that stuff - so I'd take it. I think that good and bad things happen to good and bad people. We have very little control over what happens to us. What I've learned, is that what we can control - is our reaction.

I often say that you couldn't get me to repeat my middle school years even if you paid me a million dollars. I was that miserable. I would re-do High School for a million, but I wouldn't be happy about it. College was an improvement to both of these, but still - not a highlight of my life. I remember always thinking positively and being optimistic and praying to God for it to get better.

Well, after about ten years - that optimism gets old.

Things did gradually get "better" but they were still a pile of suck. I still woke up every morning not wanting to leave my bed at all because I was so depressed. I still wondered why I didn't have the kind of die-hard friends that really shitty people around me seemed to have. And WHY can't I lose this freaking weight and be skinny already?! What the hell am I in school for if I have NO IDEA what I want to do? Why don't boys like me? I'm nice, thoughtful, funny, smart...why aren't these traits getting me further in life?

And why isn't God listening to my prayers?

I've often turned my back on praying. I don't believe that God grants you everything you ask for, because if it were that easy - every single person would be a believer. I don't have all of the answers when it comes to God and I'm only speaking to my experience. I would get really angry with Him. I'd think "if I'm supposed to be your child, why won't you help me? why aren't you listening? why can't you fix this?!" So I'd just stop asking for things. If there's no question, then the answer can't be a "no."

I remember those times in my life. I can't even say that they won't happen again when I get really upset about something. What I can say is this: it's the same thing you've been hearing since you were a child. Age gives you perspective. Looking at the situation from this point in time - things look drastically different.

Yes, I was fat for most of my young life


Yes, I struggled with trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up


Now - I've decided to start a career in fitness. I wouldn't have this same interest in fitness if I didn't work so damn hard to lose all of that weight. I'm happier now than I've ever been because I have a dream, a goal and a means to pursue it. And that came about because I went through a lot of suck first.

Things aren't perfect, but I can certainly acknowledge that they're better. I still don't have the friendships I'd always hoped for, but I have met a lot of extraordinary people who I've learned from. The boy situation is a constant issue, but I've absolutely met some really special guys. I'm still in corporate hell and not living my dream YET, but at least I have something to work towards.

I dedicate this blog to all my youngins. My teens and my twenty somethings who don't understand why things suck so bad. I don't understand either. I don't know why it's harder for you than it is for others. Life is not fair, but if you look around you know you're better off than a lot of people. Your attitude is going to play a HUGE role in how your life is. If you can learn to push through adversity, not sweat the small stuff and stay focused and positive when the world is against you - I promise you it gets better. For all the times I got so angry with God, I look back and know that I couldn't be who I am today if I wasn't put through all of the suck. And I like who I am.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Sooner Than Later

If you know me, you know I love Drake. I like his voice, I like that he sings and raps and I'm usually actually interested in his subject matter. Because a lot of it deals with love. I love this song - and it definitely hit close to home for me... that's enough on that. Check it out and subscribe to my YouTube channel!

You don't need no one else ;)
Sweet Charity

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The Chain

We are who we are. There's a lot to learn, but much of who we are is just IN us, it's just the way we were born. I've tried many times to change things about my nature, but I just can't. I will always naturally think of other people before I think of myself - whether they deserve it or not and no matter how much it hurts me. I will always be annoyed by ignorance and selfishness, no matter how much I try to be tolerant. And I will always fight for what I want. Even when I'm tired and I want to stop - I may be able to quit for a while, but eventually, I'll have no choice but to carry on. I don't give up. It's just not me.

When I was a kid, I wanted a cat. My mom knew my dad would never go for it, so when she got tired of saying "no" she finally moved on to "get your dad to agree to it." I believe there was also a clause in there about making honor roll for a year, but I was a straight A student at the time, so that was easy. Turns out, so was convincing Dad. It was as easy as asking. But what if I didn't bother? What if I had just taken "NO" as an answer and cried and given up?

When I was 15, like most girls - I wanted a Sweet 16 Party. My parents just weren't interested in throwing me one. Well I wanted it. Period. I saved my own money from my babysitting job, booked a venue, sent invites, hired a DJ, bought a cake and bought a new outfit. I threw my own Sweet 16.

Sweet 16!!!
When I got to college, for some ridiculous reason I started out as a music major. In case you don't know, they do four times as much work for half the amount of credits. But I wanted to pledge a sorority. A normal credit load was 15 credits of 3 credit classes. I had a load of 18 credits with 1 credit classes and 0.5 credit classes and maybe two 3 credit classes. I also had two jobs. I pledged what is to this day the toughest sorority on campus. My days were BOOKED solid with class, work, and sorority events daily from 6am - to midnight. But I wanted in, and now my sisters are some of my closest friends.

Which finally brings me to the title of my story. I've been working super duper hard lately on what is essentially getting my own business started. If left to my own devices, I will work non stop. I had to start implementing for myself what I like to call "Mandatory Fun Time." Because if I seriously didn't schedule it, I wouldn't do it and I would burn out. So, this past Halloween - I committed myself to going out with friends. I decided I wanted to go as Young Money Rapper, Nicki Minaj. 2 outfits for 2 nights. I picked out my outfits in my head. Then, come the Wednesday before Halloween weekend, I realized "Hmm, I actually have to go PURCHASE these items. Right." I actually found everything I needed relatively easily. Probably the easiest costume I've ever shopped for.

However, there was this small matter of a chain.

Nicki Minaj wears a "Barbie" chain. A very specific, very sparkly, very big chain. I couldn't find any duplicates sold in stores and because I had waited so long for no particular reason, I knew I'd have to get overnight shipping if I ordered it online. But, I wanted it - so I ponied up the extra cash to get overnight shipping and expected my chain would be deliverd that friday afternoon, in time for me to have it and leave for my destination on friday night.

Now, normally - packages are left at my front door when no one is home. So when I got home from work after picking up the last few items for my costume, I expected to open the front door to a little envelope with my lovely chain. NOPE. What was there was a little slip that said something to the effect of "no one was home, we left the package at your local post office open between the hours of 9am and 5:00pm"

They NEVER leave a slip. They've always left the package. What the eff?! It was 5:20 at the time. I threw a world class tantrum. I mean a fit on par with a 3 year old who needs a nap and is fighting it with all of their might, complete with crumpling the little slip and throwing it across the room.

Of course, in the grand scheme of things - this was not that important. It's just a chain. And most people where I was going wouldn't know who Nicki Minaj was with or without Barbie chain. But that wasn't the point.


I wasn't beaten yet. I refuse. I refuse to go down without a fight! I jumped in my car and drove what felt like an hour to the post office, which was probably actually 8 minutes, that should have been 5 minutes without traffic. The front doors that led to the PO boxes were still open. And I tapped on the glass door that led to the actual post office with the biggest puppy dog eyes I could muster. A man came out from behind the counter and came to the door. The tears that were building up in my eyes were not entirely fake, but admittedly - I did play them up a little as I told my sob story. He grudgingly agreed to check if they had the package.

After the longest package search in history, he returned, unlocked the door and let me sign for it and take it with me. I thanked him copiously and finally cracked his exterior of stone and he smiled at me. And I had my chain. And I was Nicki Minaj for Halloween. And all was right with the world.

The Chain
I don't know what someone else would have done in my situation. I was in my car and driving before I even knew what happened. The very least I could do was try. If I went, and the Post Office was closed - I'd have learned a lesson about being more prepared. But if I didn't at least try, I would have always wondered.

What is it that you might be able to do or achieve or get if you'd at least TRY? It doesn't really matter what odds are stacked against you. If you at least just give it a shot, who knows what you can get. Stay determined. If you want it, go after it - no matter what. I wear my chain every day - not only because I love it, but because it's a sign of one of my proudest traits. I don't give up. If I want it, I go for it, I get it.

You know my name is - Nicki Minaj