Friday, August 20, 2010

When Does It End?

I'm a fighter by nature. No matter what, I will always work as hard as I can to fix any given situation in my life. I don't always fight right away, but eventually - I realize that the only solution is for me to try. Life isn't fair and we all get a raw deal sometimes, but that's no excuse to give up. Karma isn't real and doing good won't bring good to you - there's a lot of shitty people out there who seem to be doing pretty well for themselves, but again - that's life. I don't subscribe to the idea that "putting it out there into the universe" and positive thinking will bring you anything. I've tried it - and it's just not for me. Not to say that I think it's a horrible idea - it actually makes a lot of sense. Being positive about something and thinking positively about the outcome is gonna be a lot more helpful than nay-saying what you're doing all along the way. But ultimately - it comes down to me, myself and what I physically do to make something happen.

I'm at a very frustrating point in my life. I guess, at 29 - I am technically an adult. Though I feel no more like one than I did on my 18th birthday. The way I envisioned my life at 29 is very different than the reality I'm living. And it seems as though all of my friends around me have what I assumed I would have, but don't. And it's not as though I don't work for it. I've had a minimum of two jobs since I was 19 and had at least one job for 4 years before that. I don't know what it's like to get a paycheck from one job and have that be enough. I've been on a steady quest for weight loss for over ten years. I don't backslide and gain back weight I've lost, I just never seem to be able to reach my goal size. I'm single - have been for years, and likely will be for quite some time. That doesn't really bug me as much as other things, but it does make me ponder... My car hates me. Truly, truly just hates me and wants to make me as miserable as is humanly possible and is completely succeeding.

The fighter in me knows that there's no choice but to keep trying and to try harder. I mean, the alternative is to give up and what will that get you? But I also wonder when it stops. When do I get to have one salary and have that actually be enough to live on? When will men (who are my age and straight) realize how fabulous I am? When will my body stop fighting me and just reach my goals already? When will my car stop needing repairs? (I know the answer to that one - probably when it dies completely or gets totalled in a wreck.) I've been told that hard work pays off - and I'm just waiting for that to be true for me.


  1. Hey! Love the blog and I'm glad you are back.
    That being said, I completely agree with the idea of being 29 but feeling 18, except now I'm sore the morning after dancing at a club.
    Also, I think the grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence. Just because other people have what you thought you would have doesn't mean they are happy. I think life is what you make of it.
    Now, I'm going back to bed :-)

  2. hey man!
    well i'm glad that blogger can keep us in touch. i feel the same way. nearing the corner to 26 (hey, until halloween i'm 25 darnit!), is pretty much the same in the long run to 29. i moved to boston for a change, have yet to find a job, went to an expensive school and expensive clinics to figure out what the hell is wrong with my body to find out "we have no idea. good luck with that!" so here i am, in boston, jobless, still unhealthy, but fighting the good fight because at the end of the day, what can you do? it would be lovely to have an "easy" button, or to say "nope, i don't want to play this game anymore." but until they come up with that, i think we have to fight. which i think is also what makes us fabulous :)