Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Sometimes Life Is A Pile of Suck

I don't particularly believe in Karma. I wish it were real, because I feel like I do a lot of good. I'd also be paid back for some really messed up things, but the good far outweighs that stuff - so I'd take it. I think that good and bad things happen to good and bad people. We have very little control over what happens to us. What I've learned, is that what we can control - is our reaction.

I often say that you couldn't get me to repeat my middle school years even if you paid me a million dollars. I was that miserable. I would re-do High School for a million, but I wouldn't be happy about it. College was an improvement to both of these, but still - not a highlight of my life. I remember always thinking positively and being optimistic and praying to God for it to get better.

Well, after about ten years - that optimism gets old.

Things did gradually get "better" but they were still a pile of suck. I still woke up every morning not wanting to leave my bed at all because I was so depressed. I still wondered why I didn't have the kind of die-hard friends that really shitty people around me seemed to have. And WHY can't I lose this freaking weight and be skinny already?! What the hell am I in school for if I have NO IDEA what I want to do? Why don't boys like me? I'm nice, thoughtful, funny, smart...why aren't these traits getting me further in life?

And why isn't God listening to my prayers?

I've often turned my back on praying. I don't believe that God grants you everything you ask for, because if it were that easy - every single person would be a believer. I don't have all of the answers when it comes to God and I'm only speaking to my experience. I would get really angry with Him. I'd think "if I'm supposed to be your child, why won't you help me? why aren't you listening? why can't you fix this?!" So I'd just stop asking for things. If there's no question, then the answer can't be a "no."

I remember those times in my life. I can't even say that they won't happen again when I get really upset about something. What I can say is this: it's the same thing you've been hearing since you were a child. Age gives you perspective. Looking at the situation from this point in time - things look drastically different.

Yes, I was fat for most of my young life


Yes, I struggled with trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up


Now - I've decided to start a career in fitness. I wouldn't have this same interest in fitness if I didn't work so damn hard to lose all of that weight. I'm happier now than I've ever been because I have a dream, a goal and a means to pursue it. And that came about because I went through a lot of suck first.

Things aren't perfect, but I can certainly acknowledge that they're better. I still don't have the friendships I'd always hoped for, but I have met a lot of extraordinary people who I've learned from. The boy situation is a constant issue, but I've absolutely met some really special guys. I'm still in corporate hell and not living my dream YET, but at least I have something to work towards.

I dedicate this blog to all my youngins. My teens and my twenty somethings who don't understand why things suck so bad. I don't understand either. I don't know why it's harder for you than it is for others. Life is not fair, but if you look around you know you're better off than a lot of people. Your attitude is going to play a HUGE role in how your life is. If you can learn to push through adversity, not sweat the small stuff and stay focused and positive when the world is against you - I promise you it gets better. For all the times I got so angry with God, I look back and know that I couldn't be who I am today if I wasn't put through all of the suck. And I like who I am.


  1. Hey girl. Congrats on figuring what you want to do and on the new blog!! I enjoyed reading it. We must go through hardships, so that we learn to not take the good things for granted. We learn from the hard times and it makes us stronger. Sometimes God may not do what we want him to, but he is always there. Sometimes, it may take longer than we hope for, but He still comes through :)

    Keep being you and keep up the hard/good work!!