Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Maybe They Just Don't Like Me

As expected, my exploration of the online dating world was short lived - as is every attempt I make to put actual effort into finding someone. Dating is a pain in the ass. And much like getting a tattoo or birthing a child, after a certain amount of time goes by you forget just how much pain is involved until you do it again. At least with a tattoo or a child, you have something cool to show for it when all is said and done. Not so much the case with dating.

So although I did not seek this last pairing out, that doesn't take away the sting of it ending. I met a guy at the gym. We dated for a while. I thought things were pretty much on track for a long term relationship, but he disagreed. So now we're done. No big drama. He wanted to be "just friends" and I was not so much interested in that option. I didn't even know females got friend-zoned, but if it was going to happen to anyone - it would be me. And it's not like I'm crying in a corner, eating ice cream and listening to Adele lamenting about my life being over. (ooh, ice cream...) It's not that deep. But aren't I allowed to be bummed out that what seemed like a good prospect didn't work out? I think some people don't see it as a big deal because you just move on to the next one, right? But I literally only find people I'm remotely interested in who reciprocate those feelings (at least initially) about once every two years - IF that. Finding someone isn't as easy for some of us. Maybe we're pickier or just not as lucky.

And I appreciate that all of my friends say all of the standard things friends say that are supposed to make you feel better. "He's an idiot", "Some men just can't handle a smart, powerful woman", "Maybe he was intimidated by your confidence", "You're a great girl and any guy would be lucky to have you". These are all very sweet things to say and I appreciate that people think it's what I want to hear. But c'mon. Am I the only realist left out there? This is not the first time that this very thing has happened to me. And I came to the realization a long time ago that the one and only common factor in all of these situations is, well - me. So maybe the REAL root of the issue has nothing to do with me being smart or confident and nothing to do with him being an idiot or a coward. Maybe, he just doesn't like me. Plain and simple. And there's not really much I can do about that. I mean, I am who I am and I'm certainly not changing for anyone. So maybe nobody likes who I am.

I think I'm luckier than most because although I wouldn't choose being alone over being in love, I CAN be alone. I do know that it's not the end of the world and that I don't need another human being to be attached to in order to survive. Too many people mistake this for me not being open to finding someone or not truly committing to giving people a chance. That's just not true. I'm completely open to the idea of meeting someone. What I am not open to is wasting endless amounts of time and/or money looking for him or settling for something that's not right just because it looks good on paper. I also don't need to find someone who wants to promise to stand by me forever, because let's face it - forever can be a long ass time. And I'm not sure that I truly want to spend every day of the rest of my life with the same person. So since I'm not positive that I want marriage or kids, that means I shouldn't bother trying to find someone to be my boyfriend for a few years? Are those really my only options? Because, if so - I'll just tattoo "SINGLE 4EVA" on my ass right now and be done with it.

Song lyrics by: Kate Nash, Song: Merry Happy
Getting dumped at any stage in the game is a tough pill to swallow. Because no matter what, it means that someone you still like doesn't like you back. It hurt in 1st grade and it hurts now. And you can't promise me that one day I'll find someone, because there are plenty of people who grew old alone who didn't want to. Finding a good guy is not guaranteed to you because you're a good girl. Don't we all know douchebags and bitches with the most wonderful mates on the planet that leave you asking "wtf?!" At the end of the day, I'll get over it. And then I'll forget how much it hurt. And then I'll be foolish enough to do it again one day and go through the whole same rigamaroll. And perhaps one day I will learn, and just opt to stay single and not date because it will end up being a colossal waste of time. But I am human, so I doubt it.

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