Dating Series, Numero Uno: I Hate Dating

I've been single for, oh, forever. No - really. I've only ever had one official  "boyfriend." I've had relationships other than that, but only one that ever had the title. Sometimes it bothers me and sometimes I don't really give a shit. There are so many aspects of being in a couple that I'm just not interested in. But there are also a few things that seem pretty cool. My biggest problem is that I'm not willing to play the dating game. The rules of "waiting 3 days" to call someone or what you can and can't say on a first "date." I don't even like the word "date." If you ask me if you can take me on a date, something inside me shuts down and sends a signal to my brain to RUN! You'll get much further if you use the term "hang out." Even if it means the same thing, my brain won't have the instinct to flee. Usually.

The entire concept of dating is just weird to me. The idea of sitting at a table and eating with someone who is all but a stranger, discussing bullshit and letting him pay for it just seems extremely weird to me. And my hobbies are extremely weird. What I do for fun in my free time is produce children's plays and do hip hop choreography in my friend's basement. No, I don't want to go to a Phillies game - I could care less about them. Or the Eagles. Or the Flyers. Or any sports of any kind for that matter. I don't want to play. I don't want to watch. I will go bowling if forced. And I'll pretend I don't hate it because I'm trying to be nice. But really, I hate it. Meet up for coffee? That's really not much different than going out to dinner. It's just cheaper. It just seems so forced to find something to do to find out if we have enough in common to find something else to do together.

What's more? I'm not looking to get married. I'm not saying I never will, just that I'm not shopping for a husband. And I don't want children. Ever. Yes, I'm sure. Why not? Because I don't. It's not a requirement that just because I have the parts, I'm forced to use them. Why don't you want to shave your head and tattoo tribal print on it? Oh, because you have free will to make your own decisions? Yeah, so do I.

So in general, I just opt NOT to date. How do I meet people? Usually through mutual friends or just knowing someone from work or from a place I frequent. Sometimes I do actually meet people in random places and "hang out" with them for a while. Still, the thought of it is just annoying. But - for the sake of modern times and at least telling people I gave it a genuine shot - I decided to do it like the normals and give this internet dating thing a try. I've sort of done it before, but it was so long ago that I forgot what a pain in the ass it is. Unfortunately. I'm not dedicated enough to devote any money to this venture, so I opted for the free site - Plenty of Fish, or POF for short. You'll also hear me refer to it as Plenty of fucktards, my personal nickname for it.

I'd say it's been about 6 weeks or so and I'm already fed up. Bottom line: there are just as many douchebags online as there are in real life. And definitely more creepers. And they are all attracted to ME. How about the people that message you and want to go out, but as soon as you actually agree - you never hear from them again? Better yet, the ones who you actually have interaction with for a period of time who SUDDENLY stop communicating with you. Out of the blue. No explanation provided. Then we have the people who you've DEFINITELY dated before contacting you as though they don't know you. And my favorite, the misguided gentlemen who actually think that I WANT a picture of your privates. Really? Oh, I've got stories - don't you worry. But they will have to wait for other blogs. Thus, the dating series is born.

On Being a Size 4 and Buying Pretty Things

One of the motivational tools I use for my weight loss efforts is buying jeans that are a tad bit too small for me to fit into just yet. I hang them in my closet facing me as a daily reminder of where I'm trying to get. I've been wearing my last pair of "inspiration jeans" for most of the year and they are now starting to get big. That's pretty exciting for me and I decided it was time to get me some more inspiration.

Most jeans are a tough fit for me. My thighs are proportionately bigger than my waist - so finding a pair that will fit past my larger thighs but still fit my waist is usually a challenge. I buy most of my jeans from Lucky Brand because they usually have what I like and I'm too lazy to experiment with a ton of other brands. Since I was wearing a size 6 that was slightly large, I figured a size 4 in the same style would be just small enough to feed my inspiration. I tried the size 4 on and much to my surprise and amazement - they actually fit.

Size 4 - Lucky Brand

I was kind of taken back, this was not what I was expecting. I was even a little worried. Where do I go from here? If I fit a 4, am I supposed to buy a 2 for inspiration? No. That seems kind of weird. Picturing myself as a size 2 just seems ... scary for some reason. It's not that I'm unhappy with my current size. I actually think a 4 is pretty damn good and never really aspired to be smaller than that. But I am still working on my body fat percentage. My muffin top has shrunk, but is not gone completely.

Ultimately, I walked out of the store with nothing. I've decided not to buy any more jeans until I've reached my goal body. That might still be a size 4 - just shaped differently. And I guess it could also be a 2.

However - I did not leave the mall empty handed, it is sale season after all. For some reason - I just LOVE having shiny little shopping bags. I remember being younger and having neither the money nor the body to get the things that I wanted. Then once I got the money, it was just a dream that I would someday be able to fit in the clothes that looked so stunning in the store windows. It's taken over ten years to get here - but now I get to bring home shiny shopping bags with clothes that fit me that I can (somewhat) afford. And it feels really good to have accomplished some goals.

Shiny shopping bags!

Got this workout zip-up  from Bebe,
but in black

Got this from Arden B. - love their sales!

Sometimes Life Is A Pile of Suck

I don't particularly believe in Karma. I wish it were real, because I feel like I do a lot of good. I'd also be paid back for some really messed up things, but the good far outweighs that stuff - so I'd take it. I think that good and bad things happen to good and bad people. We have very little control over what happens to us. What I've learned, is that what we can control - is our reaction.

I often say that you couldn't get me to repeat my middle school years even if you paid me a million dollars. I was that miserable. I would re-do High School for a million, but I wouldn't be happy about it. College was an improvement to both of these, but still - not a highlight of my life. I remember always thinking positively and being optimistic and praying to God for it to get better.

Well, after about ten years - that optimism gets old.

Things did gradually get "better" but they were still a pile of suck. I still woke up every morning not wanting to leave my bed at all because I was so depressed. I still wondered why I didn't have the kind of die-hard friends that really shitty people around me seemed to have. And WHY can't I lose this freaking weight and be skinny already?! What the hell am I in school for if I have NO IDEA what I want to do? Why don't boys like me? I'm nice, thoughtful, funny, smart...why aren't these traits getting me further in life?

And why isn't God listening to my prayers?

I've often turned my back on praying. I don't believe that God grants you everything you ask for, because if it were that easy - every single person would be a believer. I don't have all of the answers when it comes to God and I'm only speaking to my experience. I would get really angry with Him. I'd think "if I'm supposed to be your child, why won't you help me? why aren't you listening? why can't you fix this?!" So I'd just stop asking for things. If there's no question, then the answer can't be a "no."

I remember those times in my life. I can't even say that they won't happen again when I get really upset about something. What I can say is this: it's the same thing you've been hearing since you were a child. Age gives you perspective. Looking at the situation from this point in time - things look drastically different.

Yes, I was fat for most of my young life

and

Yes, I struggled with trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up

but

Now - I've decided to start a career in fitness. I wouldn't have this same interest in fitness if I didn't work so damn hard to lose all of that weight. I'm happier now than I've ever been because I have a dream, a goal and a means to pursue it. And that came about because I went through a lot of suck first.

Things aren't perfect, but I can certainly acknowledge that they're better. I still don't have the friendships I'd always hoped for, but I have met a lot of extraordinary people who I've learned from. The boy situation is a constant issue, but I've absolutely met some really special guys. I'm still in corporate hell and not living my dream YET, but at least I have something to work towards.

I dedicate this blog to all my youngins. My teens and my twenty somethings who don't understand why things suck so bad. I don't understand either. I don't know why it's harder for you than it is for others. Life is not fair, but if you look around you know you're better off than a lot of people. Your attitude is going to play a HUGE role in how your life is. If you can learn to push through adversity, not sweat the small stuff and stay focused and positive when the world is against you - I promise you it gets better. For all the times I got so angry with God, I look back and know that I couldn't be who I am today if I wasn't put through all of the suck. And I like who I am.

Sooner Than Later

If you know me, you know I love Drake. I like his voice, I like that he sings and raps and I'm usually actually interested in his subject matter. Because a lot of it deals with love. I love this song - and it definitely hit close to home for me... that's enough on that. Check it out and subscribe to my YouTube channel!



You don't need no one else ;)
xoxo,
Sweet Charity

The Chain

We are who we are. There's a lot to learn, but much of who we are is just IN us, it's just the way we were born. I've tried many times to change things about my nature, but I just can't. I will always naturally think of other people before I think of myself - whether they deserve it or not and no matter how much it hurts me. I will always be annoyed by ignorance and selfishness, no matter how much I try to be tolerant. And I will always fight for what I want. Even when I'm tired and I want to stop - I may be able to quit for a while, but eventually, I'll have no choice but to carry on. I don't give up. It's just not me.

When I was a kid, I wanted a cat. My mom knew my dad would never go for it, so when she got tired of saying "no" she finally moved on to "get your dad to agree to it." I believe there was also a clause in there about making honor roll for a year, but I was a straight A student at the time, so that was easy. Turns out, so was convincing Dad. It was as easy as asking. But what if I didn't bother? What if I had just taken "NO" as an answer and cried and given up?

When I was 15, like most girls - I wanted a Sweet 16 Party. My parents just weren't interested in throwing me one. Well I wanted it. Period. I saved my own money from my babysitting job, booked a venue, sent invites, hired a DJ, bought a cake and bought a new outfit. I threw my own Sweet 16.

Sweet 16!!!

When I got to college, for some ridiculous reason I started out as a music major. In case you don't know, they do four times as much work for half the amount of credits. But I wanted to pledge a sorority. A normal credit load was 15 credits of 3 credit classes. I had a load of 18 credits with 1 credit classes and 0.5 credit classes and maybe two 3 credit classes. I also had two jobs. I pledged what is to this day the toughest sorority on campus. My days were BOOKED solid with class, work, and sorority events daily from 6am - to midnight. But I wanted in, and now my sisters are some of my closest friends.

Which finally brings me to the title of my story. I've been working super duper hard lately on what is essentially getting my own business started. If left to my own devices, I will work non stop. I had to start implementing for myself what I like to call "Mandatory Fun Time." Because if I seriously didn't schedule it, I wouldn't do it and I would burn out. So, this past Halloween - I committed myself to going out with friends. I decided I wanted to go as Young Money Rapper, Nicki Minaj. 2 outfits for 2 nights. I picked out my outfits in my head. Then, come the Wednesday before Halloween weekend, I realized "Hmm, I actually have to go PURCHASE these items. Right." I actually found everything I needed relatively easily. Probably the easiest costume I've ever shopped for.

However, there was this small matter of a chain.

Nicki Minaj wears a "Barbie" chain. A very specific, very sparkly, very big chain. I couldn't find any duplicates sold in stores and because I had waited so long for no particular reason, I knew I'd have to get overnight shipping if I ordered it online. But, I wanted it - so I ponied up the extra cash to get overnight shipping and expected my chain would be deliverd that friday afternoon, in time for me to have it and leave for my destination on friday night.

Now, normally - packages are left at my front door when no one is home. So when I got home from work after picking up the last few items for my costume, I expected to open the front door to a little envelope with my lovely chain. NOPE. What was there was a little slip that said something to the effect of "no one was home, we left the package at your local post office open between the hours of 9am and 5:00pm"

They NEVER leave a slip. They've always left the package. What the eff?! It was 5:20 at the time. I threw a world class tantrum. I mean a fit on par with a 3 year old who needs a nap and is fighting it with all of their might, complete with crumpling the little slip and throwing it across the room.

Of course, in the grand scheme of things - this was not that important. It's just a chain. And most people where I was going wouldn't know who Nicki Minaj was with or without Barbie chain. But that wasn't the point.

I.Wanted.It.

I wasn't beaten yet. I refuse. I refuse to go down without a fight! I jumped in my car and drove what felt like an hour to the post office, which was probably actually 8 minutes, that should have been 5 minutes without traffic. The front doors that led to the PO boxes were still open. And I tapped on the glass door that led to the actual post office with the biggest puppy dog eyes I could muster. A man came out from behind the counter and came to the door. The tears that were building up in my eyes were not entirely fake, but admittedly - I did play them up a little as I told my sob story. He grudgingly agreed to check if they had the package.

After the longest package search in history, he returned, unlocked the door and let me sign for it and take it with me. I thanked him copiously and finally cracked his exterior of stone and he smiled at me. And I had my chain. And I was Nicki Minaj for Halloween. And all was right with the world.

The Chain

I don't know what someone else would have done in my situation. I was in my car and driving before I even knew what happened. The very least I could do was try. If I went, and the Post Office was closed - I'd have learned a lesson about being more prepared. But if I didn't at least try, I would have always wondered.

What is it that you might be able to do or achieve or get if you'd at least TRY? It doesn't really matter what odds are stacked against you. If you at least just give it a shot, who knows what you can get. Stay determined. If you want it, go after it - no matter what. I wear my chain every day - not only because I love it, but because it's a sign of one of my proudest traits. I don't give up. If I want it, I go for it, I get it.



You know my name is - Nicki Minaj



My Reward System

A really good incentive for doing something you don't want to do or something that's just difficult is setting up a reward for yourself. I currently have a reward system in place for when I achieve these milestones: Reaching the next rank advancement of my job, reaching my goal weight and paying off my credit card debt.

The closest on the horizon of these goals is reaching my goal weight, although it's also pretty close to my rank advancement. So the first reward I thought of was - food. Being able to eat something that I've deprived myself of to reach my goal weight. But how silly would that be? "Youv'e reached your goal weight, so go ruin it now with fatty foods! Yay!" That's just crazy. But I think a lot of us are motivated by food rewards. I know when I'm teaching my High Schoolers, I motivate them with pizza and baked goods and candy all the time. That's horrible - but really, if there's anytime you can get away with it - it's when you're a teenager cuz it's all downhill from there.

So I refuse to sabotage my success that way, so I chose another reward. When I reach my goal weight - I am getting a mani/pedi. Simple. I know for some women, this is a weekly visit and not a special occassion. For me - spending money on something so frivoulous and unecessary is just not an option at this point in time. But I think that reaching my goal weight deserves a little splurging. I'll start putting away for it now, since I don't want the credit goal to take a hit due to this reward.

My reward for my rank advancement? My next piercing. That's right. I love piercings and tattoos and crazy colored hair and hate the idea of having to hold back on any of that for stupid corporate America. Seriously - you're saying that inspirational sayings tattooed on my body don't make me as talented or effective a worker? Eff off. A rank advancement in my job will symbolize that I am becoming more successful, and since that job isn't corporate and I don't have to answer to anyone - I will pierce, tattoo and color whatever I damn well please.

And the credit debt. Oh credit debt - started just about the same time my fitness journey did, in college! My biggest hurdle with the biggest payback. Once I'm at goal weight and advance in my job - I'll be able to afford paying off my debt so that I can then afford...getting my boob job! And I can't freeking wait. And if you know me, you know I'm not the kind of person who cares what other people think - so if you've got a problem with it, I'll tell you what - don't get 'em . I'm an adult, it's my body and I will do what I please with it. And just like the people who tell me I don't need to lose more weight - there are those who say I don't need them. But if you've read my blog before - you know that you actually DON'T know what I really look like. I suck in and push out all of my imperfections, so you've never actually seen a picture of how incredibly small and sad my chest really is. And once I get them done, you probably won't be able to tell the difference because they'll look like what you've been seeing in pictures. Except you just might start to see a lot more cleavage pics :)

So what are your rewards? What have you given yourself as an incentive to achieve a goal?

A Case Of The Mondays...

Sorry - but I just NEED to vent!

It happens - every Monday, without fail. I head into work with a positive attitude. I tell myself that I will not allow my surroundings to bring me down. I pep talk myself that it's my attitude that has to be positive, not my environment. Because if I have a positive attitude, that is what will keep me in a good mood - not the outside things that affect me. I spend the entire 40 minute ride listening to positive things and get determined to walk in with a smile. I park the car, take a deep breath and prepare to put all this positivity into action when I walk through the door.

And every Monday I walk in and within 60 seconds, I am pissed off, depressed, angry, upset or annoyed. Without fail. I try, I really do. But I'm just not strong enough to have my attitude battle all of the stupid B.S. I put up with on a daily basis. I can feel my soul slowly dying each second I have to spend at my job. And Mondays are the worst, because I spend the weekend doing what I want. I spend the weekend being smart and productive and working on my passion and doing things that really matter, that can change lives and that make me happy. Then Monday, I come into a pointless, soul-sucking, mind numbing idiot factory that I can't believe is still in business.

My job takes zero brain power. Which for some people may sound great, but I'm too intelligent to be stuck somewhere doing stupid sh*t that doesn't matter that doesn't require intelligence for people who have no intelligence and to be getting paid crap for it. Half the time, I complete a task - and have to stop and look it over just to make sure I did it correctly because I don't even remember going through the steps. I'm so on auto pilot to do work that takes no thought whatsoever - that I literally do things without committing any thought! So then I don't even realize that I did it. It's like breathing - you just do it naturally.

My place of business is very old school. They've literally been around since the 60s and apparently no one informed them that things are done a little differently now. Well why do we have to use e-mail instead? Why are we making this hand - written list in chicken scratch that no one can read online instead?

I'm not joking people. Imagine working in an office full of your grandparents. Not the cool, hip ones that know how to text - the ones that are stuck in a former life and just can not accept the way things are done today. Perfectly nice people - but you always have to show them how to use the internet, their phone, or anything technological at all. Don't get me wrong, I love grandparents. But if you're not willing to learn the modern technologies of business - then you need to retire and stop wasting my time.

And of course, they barely know how to do THEIR jobs but have no problem trying to tell me how to do mine. Please. Trust me I'm about ten steps ahead of you. No, you don't need to tell me when to order supplies. I'm quite capable of seeing when something is running low and ordering more before we run out. I actually know how to do my job - you should concentrate more on yours so I don't have people calling me daily saying they've left you several messages and you haven't returned their call. You've been doing this job for a hundred years. The same exact way. How is it possible that at this point - you still don't know which files are supposed to go in which bins according to what you need me to do for it? It hasn't changed. Ever. How are you still asking me - Where do I put this to get invoiced? SERIOUSLY?! The same effing place you've been putting it for the 20+ years you've worked here you moron!

I know that I'm lucky to have a job at all and I do appreciate that. But I'm not complacent. I'm not someone who thinks that you stay where you are just because you get a paycheck. Not only am I capable of more, but I deserve more and I will get it. I will not be unappy like this every day because life is just too short. And I am way too smart to be somewhere where I'm not learning anything new, am not challenged by my tasks and don't enjoy what I'm doing. I'm working full time here now, but I'm working part time on my fortune. And very soon - that part time work will turn into my full time work and I will never have to waste my time and efforts again. I'm SO looking forward to that day.