On Being a Size 4 and Buying Pretty Things

One of the motivational tools I use for my weight loss efforts is buying jeans that are a tad bit too small for me to fit into just yet. I hang them in my closet facing me as a daily reminder of where I'm trying to get. I've been wearing my last pair of "inspiration jeans" for most of the year and they are now starting to get big. That's pretty exciting for me and I decided it was time to get me some more inspiration.

Most jeans are a tough fit for me. My thighs are proportionately bigger than my waist - so finding a pair that will fit past my larger thighs but still fit my waist is usually a challenge. I buy most of my jeans from Lucky Brand because they usually have what I like and I'm too lazy to experiment with a ton of other brands. Since I was wearing a size 6 that was slightly large, I figured a size 4 in the same style would be just small enough to feed my inspiration. I tried the size 4 on and much to my surprise and amazement - they actually fit.

Size 4 - Lucky Brand

I was kind of taken back, this was not what I was expecting. I was even a little worried. Where do I go from here? If I fit a 4, am I supposed to buy a 2 for inspiration? No. That seems kind of weird. Picturing myself as a size 2 just seems ... scary for some reason. It's not that I'm unhappy with my current size. I actually think a 4 is pretty damn good and never really aspired to be smaller than that. But I am still working on my body fat percentage. My muffin top has shrunk, but is not gone completely.

Ultimately, I walked out of the store with nothing. I've decided not to buy any more jeans until I've reached my goal body. That might still be a size 4 - just shaped differently. And I guess it could also be a 2.

However - I did not leave the mall empty handed, it is sale season after all. For some reason - I just LOVE having shiny little shopping bags. I remember being younger and having neither the money nor the body to get the things that I wanted. Then once I got the money, it was just a dream that I would someday be able to fit in the clothes that looked so stunning in the store windows. It's taken over ten years to get here - but now I get to bring home shiny shopping bags with clothes that fit me that I can (somewhat) afford. And it feels really good to have accomplished some goals.

Shiny shopping bags!

Got this workout zip-up  from Bebe,
but in black

Got this from Arden B. - love their sales!

Sometimes Life Is A Pile of Suck

I don't particularly believe in Karma. I wish it were real, because I feel like I do a lot of good. I'd also be paid back for some really messed up things, but the good far outweighs that stuff - so I'd take it. I think that good and bad things happen to good and bad people. We have very little control over what happens to us. What I've learned, is that what we can control - is our reaction.

I often say that you couldn't get me to repeat my middle school years even if you paid me a million dollars. I was that miserable. I would re-do High School for a million, but I wouldn't be happy about it. College was an improvement to both of these, but still - not a highlight of my life. I remember always thinking positively and being optimistic and praying to God for it to get better.

Well, after about ten years - that optimism gets old.

Things did gradually get "better" but they were still a pile of suck. I still woke up every morning not wanting to leave my bed at all because I was so depressed. I still wondered why I didn't have the kind of die-hard friends that really shitty people around me seemed to have. And WHY can't I lose this freaking weight and be skinny already?! What the hell am I in school for if I have NO IDEA what I want to do? Why don't boys like me? I'm nice, thoughtful, funny, smart...why aren't these traits getting me further in life?

And why isn't God listening to my prayers?

I've often turned my back on praying. I don't believe that God grants you everything you ask for, because if it were that easy - every single person would be a believer. I don't have all of the answers when it comes to God and I'm only speaking to my experience. I would get really angry with Him. I'd think "if I'm supposed to be your child, why won't you help me? why aren't you listening? why can't you fix this?!" So I'd just stop asking for things. If there's no question, then the answer can't be a "no."

I remember those times in my life. I can't even say that they won't happen again when I get really upset about something. What I can say is this: it's the same thing you've been hearing since you were a child. Age gives you perspective. Looking at the situation from this point in time - things look drastically different.

Yes, I was fat for most of my young life

and

Yes, I struggled with trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up

but

Now - I've decided to start a career in fitness. I wouldn't have this same interest in fitness if I didn't work so damn hard to lose all of that weight. I'm happier now than I've ever been because I have a dream, a goal and a means to pursue it. And that came about because I went through a lot of suck first.

Things aren't perfect, but I can certainly acknowledge that they're better. I still don't have the friendships I'd always hoped for, but I have met a lot of extraordinary people who I've learned from. The boy situation is a constant issue, but I've absolutely met some really special guys. I'm still in corporate hell and not living my dream YET, but at least I have something to work towards.

I dedicate this blog to all my youngins. My teens and my twenty somethings who don't understand why things suck so bad. I don't understand either. I don't know why it's harder for you than it is for others. Life is not fair, but if you look around you know you're better off than a lot of people. Your attitude is going to play a HUGE role in how your life is. If you can learn to push through adversity, not sweat the small stuff and stay focused and positive when the world is against you - I promise you it gets better. For all the times I got so angry with God, I look back and know that I couldn't be who I am today if I wasn't put through all of the suck. And I like who I am.

Baby Steps

Although there are only a handful of things that I'm working on improving in my life, the work it takes to improve all of these things can sometimes be overwhelming. I try to keep reminding myself that I don't have to accomplish anything overnight. When I try to focus on the steps that will get me to where I need to be instead of always taking in the big picture, it helps.

I have some debt to pay off. Paying down debt amidst living expenses and "luxury" money is tough. Typically my "luxury" money is used for groceries and gas. But I do believe you have to invest in things that are important as well as "splurging" here and there. My investments include work out clothes that fit (since the old ones are too big, yay!), my next work out program - INSANITY, and my meal replacement SHAKEOLOGY. I know to some people - these seem like frivolous things to spend money on, but these are all contributing to me working on goals that I've set. It just so happens that most of my goals require financial investment.

Of course losing weight is a huge goal of mine. As I mentioned above, I'm investing in it financially as well as physically. I know where I want my body to be and how I want it to look. It does feel like it's taking longer than it should, but I have to focus on my day to day efforts. I have to focus on the fact that I did pull ups for the first time last week. And on the fact that I ran for 50 minutes straight. I have to focus on the fact that I'm still losing inches, even if it's only one or two at a time.

My hair has grown. I wouldn't consider it long, and it's definitely not as thick as when I was younger. But it has grown. As evidenced by the fact that the back used to be bleached from the root, and now it's all my natural color.

Job hunting is daunting, especially in this economy. Applying for job after job and hearing NOTHING in return can really wear on your self esteem. It makes you wonder, start asking questions - is my resume horrible? Am I unqualified for everything? But you have to keep trying - or stay at the job you're miserable at.

I've started going to church again. I was mainly trying to find a place where I felt like it actually related to my modern life. The group is really nice and inviting and not judgemental at all. However, I sometimes just feel "not as holy" if that makes sense. When the pastor talks about living your life for God, that seems like a pretty tall order. Aren't THOSE Christians really boring? Wouldn't my life be really boring? I do believe in God and I am a Christian, but sometimes the rules that go along with that seem pretty difficult to follow.

Luckily, I am currently employed. So I don't NEED a new job this second. I want one, but for the time being I'm not desperate. I'm making more than the minimum payment on my debt. I want it all to go away right now. I would love to be debt free. But my credit score is good and I'm making gains toward getting things paid off. Does my hair grow slower than everyone else's? Sure feels like it. But I do have hair, and it is growing albeit slower than I'd like. I'm putting effort into all of the areas of my life that I want to change. I'm not just sitting back and wishing for a difference. I am taking the necessary steps that will eventually lead me to reach my goals. Baby steps, though they may be, are still moving me forward.