Sometimes Life Is A Pile of Suck

I don't particularly believe in Karma. I wish it were real, because I feel like I do a lot of good. I'd also be paid back for some really messed up things, but the good far outweighs that stuff - so I'd take it. I think that good and bad things happen to good and bad people. We have very little control over what happens to us. What I've learned, is that what we can control - is our reaction.

I often say that you couldn't get me to repeat my middle school years even if you paid me a million dollars. I was that miserable. I would re-do High School for a million, but I wouldn't be happy about it. College was an improvement to both of these, but still - not a highlight of my life. I remember always thinking positively and being optimistic and praying to God for it to get better.

Well, after about ten years - that optimism gets old.

Things did gradually get "better" but they were still a pile of suck. I still woke up every morning not wanting to leave my bed at all because I was so depressed. I still wondered why I didn't have the kind of die-hard friends that really shitty people around me seemed to have. And WHY can't I lose this freaking weight and be skinny already?! What the hell am I in school for if I have NO IDEA what I want to do? Why don't boys like me? I'm nice, thoughtful, funny, smart...why aren't these traits getting me further in life?

And why isn't God listening to my prayers?

I've often turned my back on praying. I don't believe that God grants you everything you ask for, because if it were that easy - every single person would be a believer. I don't have all of the answers when it comes to God and I'm only speaking to my experience. I would get really angry with Him. I'd think "if I'm supposed to be your child, why won't you help me? why aren't you listening? why can't you fix this?!" So I'd just stop asking for things. If there's no question, then the answer can't be a "no."

I remember those times in my life. I can't even say that they won't happen again when I get really upset about something. What I can say is this: it's the same thing you've been hearing since you were a child. Age gives you perspective. Looking at the situation from this point in time - things look drastically different.

Yes, I was fat for most of my young life

and

Yes, I struggled with trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up

but

Now - I've decided to start a career in fitness. I wouldn't have this same interest in fitness if I didn't work so damn hard to lose all of that weight. I'm happier now than I've ever been because I have a dream, a goal and a means to pursue it. And that came about because I went through a lot of suck first.

Things aren't perfect, but I can certainly acknowledge that they're better. I still don't have the friendships I'd always hoped for, but I have met a lot of extraordinary people who I've learned from. The boy situation is a constant issue, but I've absolutely met some really special guys. I'm still in corporate hell and not living my dream YET, but at least I have something to work towards.

I dedicate this blog to all my youngins. My teens and my twenty somethings who don't understand why things suck so bad. I don't understand either. I don't know why it's harder for you than it is for others. Life is not fair, but if you look around you know you're better off than a lot of people. Your attitude is going to play a HUGE role in how your life is. If you can learn to push through adversity, not sweat the small stuff and stay focused and positive when the world is against you - I promise you it gets better. For all the times I got so angry with God, I look back and know that I couldn't be who I am today if I wasn't put through all of the suck. And I like who I am.

When Does It End?

I'm a fighter by nature. No matter what, I will always work as hard as I can to fix any given situation in my life. I don't always fight right away, but eventually - I realize that the only solution is for me to try. Life isn't fair and we all get a raw deal sometimes, but that's no excuse to give up. Karma isn't real and doing good won't bring good to you - there's a lot of shitty people out there who seem to be doing pretty well for themselves, but again - that's life. I don't subscribe to the idea that "putting it out there into the universe" and positive thinking will bring you anything. I've tried it - and it's just not for me. Not to say that I think it's a horrible idea - it actually makes a lot of sense. Being positive about something and thinking positively about the outcome is gonna be a lot more helpful than nay-saying what you're doing all along the way. But ultimately - it comes down to me, myself and what I physically do to make something happen.

I'm at a very frustrating point in my life. I guess, at 29 - I am technically an adult. Though I feel no more like one than I did on my 18th birthday. The way I envisioned my life at 29 is very different than the reality I'm living. And it seems as though all of my friends around me have what I assumed I would have, but don't. And it's not as though I don't work for it. I've had a minimum of two jobs since I was 19 and had at least one job for 4 years before that. I don't know what it's like to get a paycheck from one job and have that be enough. I've been on a steady quest for weight loss for over ten years. I don't backslide and gain back weight I've lost, I just never seem to be able to reach my goal size. I'm single - have been for years, and likely will be for quite some time. That doesn't really bug me as much as other things, but it does make me ponder... My car hates me. Truly, truly just hates me and wants to make me as miserable as is humanly possible and is completely succeeding.

The fighter in me knows that there's no choice but to keep trying and to try harder. I mean, the alternative is to give up and what will that get you? But I also wonder when it stops. When do I get to have one salary and have that actually be enough to live on? When will men (who are my age and straight) realize how fabulous I am? When will my body stop fighting me and just reach my goals already? When will my car stop needing repairs? (I know the answer to that one - probably when it dies completely or gets totalled in a wreck.) I've been told that hard work pays off - and I'm just waiting for that to be true for me.

If it doesn't make me money, make me happy or make me skinny - I'm not doing it.

So I'm not over this weekend yet. Not by a long shot. I am constantly just completely baffled at how the people in my life can treat me with such disregard. It really makes me stop and think - maybe I'm just not as good a friend as I thought. I mean if it looks like a duck, and walks like a duck.... If everyone treats me like shit, I must deserve it, right? I mean I would not be getting collectively ignored and disregarded if I were a good person. The fault must lie with me, right? Because if not,

I don't get it.

I keep re-evaluating my behavior. I live by the golden rule: you treat others the way you wanna be treated. That rule is my guiding light. I'm there for people when they ask for my help, I'm thoughtful and considerate and I'm always honest.

I'm always honest...

That last one has gotten me into trouble quite a bit. People don't seem to like to hear the truth all the time. Like when you let them know they're doing something wrong AND they know you're right. That's what really seems to upset people. I don't like lying - I don't see the point. Cowards lie. The only reason to tell a lie is because you want to hide something you're ashamed of. Cowards hide. When people ask for my opinion, I give them the disclaimer: Don't ask me unless you want me to tell you because you KNOW I will tell you the truth. And that's why they're asking me - because they know out of everyone, I will not only give an honest answer, but it will be the correct answer. But once they hear it, they suddenly wanna shoot the messenger.

This is not me being conceited. It's not as if I'm all knowing. I've just lived - and messed up a whole lot. So it makes it easier for me to see when other people are repeating my mistakes and if you're my friend, I don't want you to go through the bad stuff I've been through. So if giving you tough love will stop you from repeating my mistakes - that's what I'm doing. I only speak to situations I know - I won't give advice on something I have no idea about. Every single friend that I've told a truth they didn't want to hear - has come back AFTER they ignored my advice and said "you were right." Every.single.time.

I think that most people are, by nature - selfish. The first instinct is to think "how will this benefit me?" Every once in a while, like at Christmas or Mother's Day - they can think of someone else. But even then, most people still think of themselves first. If you have the choice between spending $100 on someone else to get a super awesome gift OR spending $50 on a less awesome gift and $50 on yourself, which would you choose? I mean, they'll never know of the more awesome gift you could've gotten anyway. I think...no I KNOW that 99.9% of the people I know would go with the 50/50 option because it benefits them.

That's where we differ. I'll pick the first option every time. Because it makes me happier to know that I got this person this super awesome gift that makes them happy. That's my nature. I don't say this because I think I'm better than anyone, I'm just explaining who I am. If I tell you I'll do something, I do it. Period. Because my word means something, to me at least. If I'm not sure I can do it - I won't tell you I will. I can't tell you how many parties and events I've gone to - not because I wanted to, but because my friend wanted me there. And some people will say "well if you don't wanna do it, don't do it." Sounds easy enough. But by the golden rule - if I would want that person to be there for me, then I'm gonna be there for them. Simple as that. What I want is secondary.

I understand that not everyone can be this way, which is fine. But when I - the person who has been there for you for every thing you've asked of her, asks you for ONE DAY out of the entire year to put her first - for just a couple hours...I don't know, I kind of expect that to be something you could handle. The bottom line is this:I asked for one thing for one day and only ONE person was able to follow through on it. Everyone else made the selfish choice and decided that even though this is the only thing I ask of them all year, they were still more important than me even on that one night.

So I guess I need to learn to be selfish. It's really the only solution I can think of. If it doesn't make me money, make me happy or make me skinny - I'm not doing it. Is that how it works? Is that what looking out for number one is like? To me, that sounds miserable. That sounds like a horrible way to live your life. But it seems to work pretty well for everyone else, so I guess I'll give it a shot.